Category: Recovery

Christianity, Recovery, Relationships, Spirituality

Easter

gregoryjoel

I haven’t been able to post “Thoughts” for the last few days. There were doctor appointments (which are more frequent these days), a roofing crew that scattered thoughts with every bang of the hammer (thank you for the great job, guys!), and the constant cleaning that comes with a couple of days of rain and three dogs (mopping should be once a week and not ten times a day…). So, my thoughts have been a bit scattered…

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Margaret and I slept in this morning. The three days prior were extremely busy, and we had to recover. Late nights are better left to the younger folks. Anyway, we didn’t make church services this morning. I’m sure church buildings were full today. I appreciate that attendance for Easter services far exceeds any other Sunday. I guess second place goes to Christmas. I suppose two days a year is enough to cover one’s bases, ease guilty consciences, and carry on like before. Sometimes I hate my cynicism. I’m so glad you all taught me to see it for what it is…

I go back and forth about the whole organized religion thing. Sometimes I run away from it; sometimes I run toward it. I still consider myself a member of the church I attend although I rarely go in person. I like the online community now that my friend Rusty is the administrator for their online services. Plus, there are people there from around the country. It’s somewhat more diverse than our local congregation.

I know large churches do many good things for others. To their credit, the congregation of which I’m a member helps hundreds of people, many of them my neighbors, in a myriad of ways. They helped me through some rough times when I had health issues that limited my ability to work. I formed some great relationships there. I’m a firm believer in Jesus’ observation, “You’ll know who they are by the fruits they bear”.

I also know that the same church takes in millions (that right – 6 zeroes – I guess they qualify as a “mega-church”). While there’s some degree of transparency in their budget (which can’t be said among the bulk of “Mega-churches”), the reality is that they’re a business first and foremost, even though they strive to “make disciples”. Becoming “seeker-friendly” (I hate buzz-words) means increased tithing and donations. I would be foolish to think differently. The mission statement often takes second place to preservation of the institution. It seems an issue all organizations, churches and non-profits (faith-based or not) face. Sometimes the purpose gets muddied. They are human after all.

Still, I can only imagine what it’d be like if people really believed what Jesus said. Show me how you act, and I’ll tell you what you believe. My Dad used to say it was “a lot harder to walk the walk and not just talk the talk”. I get it. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy to write-off things like “loving your enemies” and “turning the other cheek” to some promise of an after-life that can’t possibly work here and now.

When I first got into recovery I used to hear things like, “You can’t adapt your recovery program to your life; you have to adapt your life to recovery”. It was another way of saying “you can’t put “new wine into old wineskins”. If you do the wineskins burst; just like “you can’t graft a new idea into a closed mind”. Some of you know what I mean. The old ways haven’t worked…

So, I’ve discovered that my old ways of thinking don’t work for me anymore. What made sense before doesn’t; and what made absolutely no sense in the beginning has brought about incredible results. I have a new way to see the world I live in. That’s good news to me. I think it’s good news for everyone. We’re all in desperate need of “good news”; especially these days.

I often think of the tagline for “Red Letter Christians”, an organization started by Shane Claiborne and Tony Campolo, “What if Jesus really meant what he said”. I can only imagine how differently we’d relate to one another. I can only imagine what the absence of fear would be like. I can only imagine how people would see the “Good News”; the idea that we’re a part of God’s dream for the world. I can only imagine people seeing Jesus’ followers living truly happy, joyous, and free; taking care of each other and the creation around them. I can only imagine a place where people are valued over things, where justice is combined with mercy, and the grace one receives is freely shared with everyone else.

I imagine these things and then I realize how much further down the path I wish I were. The real blessing is knowing I’m not alone on the path. I’ve been blessed by the relationships I have with other disciples on the way. Sadly, I’ve met most of them in places outside church buildings. They’re just folks like me who believe in a nonsensical way of living life. They do things like forming intentional communities to live out the “Good News” among people left behind in a world of ego, power, and rampant consumerism. They do things like building a garden in the midst of urban blight, inviting their neighbors to feast together and share in their joy. They do things like loving God and loving their neighbor; an everyone’s their neighbor. They choose to live as disciples, as living students of the risen Jesus, and what was once common sense has become “uncommon sense”.

Today is Easter, resurrection Sunday. I’m kind of glad I wasn’t at church this morning, but on the porch instead. There’s a holiness here I’ve been blessed to experience and I get to go on with the day refreshed, knowing that everything is new…

Christianity, Recovery, Relationships, Spirituality

Community

gregoryjoel

:  I actually had to put on a hoodie this morning. Although the bulk of the rain is heading east, it’s still cool and overcast here in Fort Worth this morning. I don’t know if there’s any scientific proof to support this, but the coffee tastes better on days like this.

I was thinking about my brother Craig this morning. Craig and I were roommates for several years. I had a brain hemorrhage a few years back. The doctors told me I couldn’t work until the surgery to be done several months later. Consequently, I had to let my house go into foreclosure. Craig offered his place for a couple of weeks. I left six years later…

I always tell people that I had to wait until I was in my fifties to get a brother. Craig was, and is, more than my former roommate. In the time I shared his home I grew more spiritually. I firmly believe God brought us together for that very reason. Although I’m happily married today, I miss all the mornings in the wood shop, drinking coffee, praying, and sharing our faith with one another. We don’t get to do that enough…

Craig is an amazing craftsman in his wood shop. He made a beautiful pipe from an old oak burl for me. It’s truly amazing. It smokes smoothly and is thoroughly enjoyable after a good evening meal. What I really like about though is the note that came with it. It’s taped above my keyboard, so I see it regularly. It simply says, “Like David and Jonathan, you are my best friend. This pipe is a token of my love for you. Enjoy it my friend!”. I do my brother…

Our friendship started me thinking about the broader community I’m blessed to be a part of today. I share life today with many people. I never thought it would be possible. I’m basically shy and introverted. I don’t do well in groups, but I thrive in community. I discovered that when I got into recovery. It offered me the first introduction to living in community. I’ve made it a practice to be involved in that community; because even community takes practice.

When I was growing up, my social ineptitude made life difficult outside the community of my parent’s friends and their kids. When we moved away for my Dad’s job I felt isolated and uncomfortable. That feeling plagued me for years. I tried many ways to make my world fit, especially at “church”, but I couldn’t live up to their standards of conduct and piety. I was so relieved when I found recovery. It was quite refreshing to hear “God” and “mother****” in the same sentence. It was even better that I was accepted for me, imperfections and all.

Recovery helped rekindle my faith in the God of my understanding: it emphasized an interactive relationship with that God. If I nurtured that relationship my life would be transformed. I’ve experienced transformation today. I fit in: not just into recovery, but to society at large. If you’ve ever been on the “outside looking in”, you know what I mean.

I had many misconceptions about what “community” really meant. I had this crazy idea it required a type of separation from society (I am a child of the sixties!) and communal living. I viewed everything as either “in” or “out” (probably from growing up in a fundamentalist Christian home – they’re a pretty exclusive bunch…). Entering in to a relationship with a Higher Power, with God, exposed those misconceptions.

I began to hear, and listen, to the “Good News”. I’d always heard how it was about God wanting to “save me” at some future date but I had to be righteous (or more like “self-righteous”) and work real hard to get there. It never sounded that “good” to me. I began to hear all these years later that it isn’t about some far-off “eternal” life. It’s about the Kingdom, the “community” of Heaven, that’s available to me now. Now that’s good news, that’s transforming…

I’m going to be writing more about community, more about that “kingdom” I’ve found over the coming days. It keeps popping in to my head a lot these days. I’m so grateful to be a part of this community and I’d love to hear your thoughts as well.

Christianity, Recovery, Spirituality

Solitude

gregoryjoel

April showers came a few days early. The garden is loving it. I’m always amazed how quickly everything springs forth from the soil. One day there’s three or four plants poking through and the next there are rows of beans and mounds of squash and cantaloupe. Truly amazing…

My reflections this morning centered on the 23rd Psalm. Even people who aren’t familiar with a Judeo-Christian reading of the Bible know it. It tends to be used in funerals and generally associated with death. I find it has far more to do with living.

As much as I enjoy my time on the porch and the quiet moments of reflection, sitting quietly isn’t one of my strong points. It sounds like a contradiction; but let me explain. I tend to be like most folks. I occupy my “quiet time” with reading or other ways to keep my mind busy. I like busy-ness. Most folks do. If I stay busy enough; if I read enough, write enough, or play enough music in the background, I don’t have to listen to the inner voices that come out when I cease all those activities. Sitting in complete silence and solitude, if I’m honest, is extremely uncomfortable.

In Twelve Step programs of recovery there’s a whole step dedicated to the idea of prayer and meditation as a tool to keep in contact with God. Religious practices call for contemplation or meditation in various forms as the means to connect with whatever their Higher Power or enlightened state might be. I must confess though: I really suck at it.

Over the last couple of months, I’ve become increasingly aware of my inability to really meditate, to sit in total quiet and solitude. The more my awareness increases, the more I want to get rid of the external noise and listen to the “still, small voice” of God. Now, I’m no spiritual giant. That becomes obvious as I seek the discipline of solitude.

Over the years I’ve heard, and tried, various methods of meditation. Some have worked, and most haven’t. They all require practice and I get too busy. Sound familiar? So, when a friend suggested I try simply thinking about the 23rd Psalm in my time of silence and solitude, I agreed to give it a try. He told me to break it down into small chunks and breathe in and out to the lines – in (“The Lord is my shepherd”) and out (“I shall not want”).

It hasn’t been easy. The quieter I get, the louder the internal voices. Even five minutes can be incredibly difficult. At least for a while…

Solitude has become somewhat easier. The fact that “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want” has become to make sense. It frees me to walk in the world. Even though I’ve always known that my needs are met, I don’t always act like it. It just gets easier. I still make the decision to let the God of my understanding direct my steps (usually many times a day….) although I don’t always act that way, either. Fear still creeps in, but it doesn’t govern my choices as frequently; but then I remember I have a “Good Shepherd leading the way and everything’s okay… at least for today…

Christianity, Recovery, Spirituality, Texas

Bluebonnets

gregoryjoel

Now that Spring is in full bloom I keep an eye out for bluebonnets. If you’re not from Texas you may not appreciate the significance of that. Bluebonnets are not only the state flower, but make driving around our crazy freeway system here tolerable. There’s patches of amazement amid the maze of traffic snarls and road construction. Yesterday, I saw my first bluebonnets. Just a small patch mind you, but it’s a precursor to the beauty that’s coming.

Even though the freeways and interstates will be transformed for a few weeks, I need to drive a little further if I want to see the full beauty of Spring. Those from here will tell you that the way to truly appreciate God’s glory is to take a drive out in the country; especially if you’re headed for the Hill country. If the stress of city living gets to much it can be alleviated by a short twenty-minute drive. If you take time, that is…

Taking time is in short supply these days. Busyness has become a way of life. I know, because all to often, I play right along. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in the ongoing activity of daily life and forget the importance of “easy does it”. I begin to worry about what “I” have to do to make things happen. I forget that all God asks me for my cooperation in the unfolding nature of life. He’s already taken care of the results.

I got up this morning with a full list of things I need to do today. There’s people coming to work on the house, Saturday chores to be done, things to do in the yard, and blah, blah, blah… but God had other plans. Our contractor’s sub turned out to be a friend. We sat on the porch, drinking coffee and talked about the important stuff going-on in our lives – families, recovery, and listening to God’s voice. The work to be done lost its priority. It’ll get done. But sharing friendship and the miracles taking pace in our lives? Those are the moments to be treasured.

One of my favorite things Jesus said (and I tend to forget) is this: “If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the  table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There’s far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on you body… Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers… The ten best-dressed men and women look shabby alongside them”.

“If God gives such attention the appearance of wildflowers – most of which are never seen – don’t you think He will attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving… Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.” (Matthew 6:37-33 The Message)

It dawned on that some items on the ”to-do” list will still get done today.  Those that don’t will go on another day. The guys will get the work done on the house. It’s all good. Maybe I should have another cup of coffee and head down a country road. The bluebonnets have arrived…

Christianity, Recovery, Spirituality, Uncategorized

From Here to Kingdom Come…

gregoryjoel

Thoughts From the Porch: Spring is finally here! The Dogwood across the street is covered in reddish-pink blossoms and the first shoots of green beans and yellow squash pushed through the garden soil. Winter reminded me that its passing isn’t too far gone though. It’s still a bit chilly this morning, at least until the sun’s fully up.

I love my mornings. I’m thrilled to be in my little place of refuge here in Fort Worth. I was born here and will probably be here when the Lord calls me home. I love being from Texas. My father used to say there were only two types of people in the world, “people from Texas and everyone who wishes they were”. I know he was joking. At least I think so…

Yet, as much as I love my residence here, I’ve come to find my true home. It’s been a long journey to this place in my life. I took a lot of detours and side roads before finding a path that works. Much of that has to do with recovery from the disease of addiction. Had I not suffered from a malady of mind, body, and soul I might have continued to walk aimlessly. It introduced me to a real relationship with God and put my feet on a more spiritual path.

I haven’t yet achieved sainthood or enlightenment and for that, I’m grateful. I hope I never become so “spiritually fit that I’m of no earthly good”. Yet, the spiritual path offers me a place to be centered. I stray occasionally (well, more than occasionally…) but I don’t feel as lost as often. It’s easier to find the path again when I do veer off.

My mornings here on the porch help me find the center; help me find the way home. I’m can become easily distracted and preoccupied with everything going on in my life. Yet the simple act of quiet and solitude brings me back to what’s really important: living from my center. I may have a long “To Do” list and a myriad of distractions but I can stay on the path if I’m willing. Willingness, for me, comes down to remembering where my true home and my citizenship is. I may love Fort Worth, but the “Kingdom of Heaven” is where my true residence is; and if that’s the case I need to be about following the will of the King.

I grew up in an ultra-conservative, fundamentalist Christian home. From an early age I remember hearing about the “Good News”, but to be honest, it never sounded good to me. The long list of “dos” and “don’ts”, never being able to measure up to impossible standards of piety, only fueled depression, resentment, and isolation. It wasn’t until much later that I discovered my understanding was given by “well-meaning, but misinformed people”.

The real “Good News” is God’s kingdom is here and grace allows me to be a part of it. The cool thing about it is the transformation taking place in my life. As a citizen of that kingdom I trust the King to look out for His citizen’s (therefore my) best interests, and as a good citizen I ask for “His will, not mine”.

Amazing things begin to take place. Life is easier; not because the world changed, but because I have. My perception is different. My stress level drops and my ability to love and be of service to others rises. I’m no longer depressed, resentful, and isolated. I’m part of a community. I have friends. I have a burning desire to share the “Good News”: not to offer future rewards, but present realities; to have life “abundantly”. Now that’s really good news…

So, I sit here this morning reveling in the birth of Spring, grateful for being home…