The rain of Friday gave way to brilliant sunny mornings for the weekend. Still, my grandson’s Friday scrimmage and the Saturday game were cancelled due to the condition of the field. It was way too muddy to play. I’m sorry we missed the game, but a cancellation means he wasn’t disappointed. The case of Chicken Pox he came down with this week would have kept him from playing anyway. Every cloud has a silver lining, right? Thankfully, his vaccinations may not have prevented the pox, but they have limited the severity of them. Just thought I’d throw that in for the “anti-vaccers”, since he probably caught it from one of your kids…
Since there was no game Saturday, I’ve had more time on the porch. I’ve been somewhat distracted the last few days. I’ve been at the doctor several times this week undergoing sonograms and CT scans. I won’t bore you with all the details. It’s probably issues with some old stuff. It’s probably nothing and the doctor is just being safe. My healthcare team tends to be extremely watchful as I get older; particularly with my medical history. I really appreciate that. I’m grateful that I have some wonderful doctors. That isn’t the case for everyone.
Despite the great healthcare I’ve received, overcoming past physical obstacles, and all the faith I claim to have, I still get fearful during the periods of “not knowing” – the period of waiting for test results. It’s a difficult state of mind for me. Even though I have 100% proof of God’s care and grace I’ll immediately go to the worst scenario possible and be in hospice by the end of the day. That may sound foolish and a little crazy to some of you, but I have a feeling that such thought processes are more common than one might think – especially for people with HIV/AIDS or other chronic physical conditions.
My friend Edgar told me there are five answers to prayer – yes, no, maybe, wait, and “are you crazy?”. “Yes” is my favorite, although “are you crazy?” is more frequent. The one I like hearing the least is “wait”. Mom used to tell me “patience” is a virtue. Apparently, I have a long way to go to be virtuous – especially when it involves something of importance to me like my health. I keep hearing over and over in my head, the old Tom Petty song, “…the waiting is the hardest part…”. Experience has taught me that he’s right…
My thoughts go way out left whenever I’m confronted with my powerlessness over life (particularly mine!). It doesn’t matter what the situation is. My first thoughts are almost always wrong. Rather than trust that God already has the solution to my dilemma figured out, I spend my time praying over and over for the result I want to see instead of praying “Thy will be done”. I try to exercise some degree of control over a situation in which I have none whatsoever. Thankfully, my time in left field has become shorter over the years. Recovery has given me a “pause button” of sorts. My first thought may be wrong, but my first response (action) is often more fitted to the situation.
It’s a little easier to get back in the game when I realize that God has my best interests at heart regardless of the outcome. I get to experience some relief from my fears and relax. I’ve learned that, for me anyway, impatience is always centered in fear. Today I choose to be centered in love, and “perfect love casts out all fear”.
I’m grateful I have a God, my Abba, who isn’t the least bit worried about the craziness and feelings of doubt going on in my head. I grew up thinking that God’s care and love were dependent on my performance; that any kind of doubt or questioning showed a lack of faith. That’s no longer my truth today. I’ve learned to accept myself better because of the God who accepts me just as I am, without reservations.
Fundamentally, for me anyway, patience is about trust. Do I trust that the God I’ve come to know has got my back? Definitely. Has He ever failed to care for me? Never! Then why do I doubt? Maybe it’s because I’m human and I still get scared from time to time about things I can’t control. So, what now?
I’ve got a house to clean up, a yard to mow, a wife to spend time with today, dogs to walk, a garden to tend (and fresh strawberries!), and the list goes on. In the midst of my doubt I find myself filled with gratitude and now it’s not so difficult to practice patience. Amazing how that works. I’m off to pick some berries…
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