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Gratitude in the Time of Loss…

I slept in today. It was 7:30 before I greeted the morning with a cup of coffee and some prayer. The Saharan dust cloud that drifted across the Atlantic Ocean and into the southern United States has left a greyish haze over what would normally be a sunny to partly cloudy day. It fit my mood for the day…

Perhaps the coffee hadn’t kicked in yet. At least that’s what I told myself. The reality is that I’m tired. Grief is tiring. It drains me of all energy and drive, leaving me at times with an overwhelming sadness. Some days I simply feel defeated.

It may be too early in the grieving process to find gratitude in loss, but I’ve learned that gratitude is a powerful tool to change perspective and move forward. I can still be grieving the loss of my son and find the gratitude to move forward. Ironically, when I came in from the porch to check emails, the first three were links to articles on gratitude. I’m not huge on the whole numbers/numerology thing, but when I see or hear something three times I tend to listen. That’s usually when God tries to get my attention. This is what came to mind this morning…

First, what I’m going through is a part of life. Grief is a common experience to us all. Life is about birth and death. Everyone experiences loss. The loss of a child is a particular type of pain. My friend Edgar told me that there is no name for our pain. Someone who loses a spouse is a widow or widower. Children who lose their parents are called orphans. There is no name for people who lose their kids. Perhaps it’s because no one can find words for it.

I’m grateful for the outpouring of love and support from my friends and family. I’m especially grateful for those that acknowledge there are no to offer and not trying to offer comfort other than “I’m here”. Jeremy’s passing has shown me how blessed I am with the amazing people God has put into my life. I’m reminded I’m part of a community. Most importantly, I’m thankful I’ve been allowed to feel what I need to feel, and I don’t have to walk this journey alone.

Secondly, I’m extremely grateful for Opal’s Farm. I’ve always told people about “dirt therapy”. I can now say without a doubt it’s truly therapeutic. Something about seeing the cycle of life, death, and rebirth in a garden centers me. It reminds me I’m part of something greater; that I’m a part of creation. After all, that’s why God created man to live in a garden…

Lastly (for this post anyway), it dawned on me this morning that Jeremy’s passing never caused me a crisis of faith. I’ve never doubted God’s goodness during this time. That’s a big deal. Had this happened several years ago I’m not sure I could say that. My coping systems were flawed then. I probably never would have recognized God’s constant presence and protection. I miss Jeremy dearly, but God didn’t “take him” from me. Instead, He’s carrying me through this time of grief. He helps me be there for my grandkids and those left behind who loved Jeremy so much.

“Ghost” by Jeremy Joel

I know there will be good days and bad days in the coming weeks, months, and even years as grief ebbs and flows. I’m still early in the process and the crash is still coming. Thank God for the people in my life who’ve experienced this special kind of pain and will lead me through the process. I know that gratitude can be found in even the most dire of circumstances if I search diligently enough. For those days when gratitude is elusive God will pick me up and carry me until strength returns and I’m able to walk the path hand in hand with Him again…

Courtesy of KERA/Art and Seek

https://artandseek.org/2020/06/10/remembering-jeremy-joel-artist-friend-father/?fbclid=IwAR3_1TgijHW3iZ65otwVcL3-nopdovKXPekEy0h0pIXIBMMCampHnUianSs

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Growing and Going…

Down at the Farm – Our social media pages have been somewhat neglected over the last three weeks. Many of you know my son passed on May 29th. Thank you to the many friends of Opal’s Farm and our great volunteers for keeping the farm going during my absences and your words of condolences. The wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) thing about the farm is that it grows and goes despite life showing up in ways I’d prefer it not to. I’ve been so busy playing catch up that I’ve failed to update everyone. Believe me, there’s a lot happening!

First, we rode in the Juneteenth celebration and caravan on Friday. It was incredible to see the love and support for Juneteenth and for making it a Federal holiday. It was even more incredible to see the diversity of the crowd in both the caravan and along Lancaster Avenue as we followed Ms. Opal to Will Rogers Auditorium. The time for unity is now. Ms. Opal is right. Juneteenth is a unifier!       

I would love to thank each of our volunteers who participated in the caravan as well. Thanks Mike and Alexis for riding your bikes alongside Ms. Opal and those walking with her. Thanks to Stacey, Ethan, and Averie for making a lot of noise and helping hold the Opal’s Farm banner for all to see. A huge thank you to Blue Zones Project Fort Worth for making the banner possible! It now proudly hangs in our booth at each of our markets!

Tomato-palooza!

To make Juneteenth even better, Ms. Opal’s petition to make Juneteenth a Federal holiday has passed ONE MILLION signatures. We all well on our way to 1.5 million! Ms. Opal started out with the goal of 100,000 signees. I think we’ve passed it. It’s not to late to sign the petition. Please go to www.opalswalk2DC.com today!

One Million and growing…

Finally, it was announced that Senator John Cornyn of Texas will introduce a Senate Bill declaring Juneteenth a Federal holiday. NPR also reported the Representative Sheila Jackson Lee has a House Bill with over 200 co-sponsors for Juneteenth. Things are happening folks so let’s celebrate and keep pressing forward.

The farm has been coming right along this Spring. Last Saturday was Tomato-palooza at Cowtown Farmers Market (www.cowtownmarket.com) and we had some serious tomato action happening. We have produced over three hundred pounds of tomatoes so far! We didn’t have only tomatoes, of course. We had cucumbers, green beans, peppers of all kinds, squash (several varieties), onions, potatoes, carrots, and best of all, purple hull peas (and they are really coming in…).

Thanks to all our volunteers. We’ve had several new folks who signed up this last week to come work at the farm. Unfortunately (at least for them), the weather hasn’t been conducive to volunteering. We love the rain, though. Hang in there and come out when the sun comes out!

You all can find us at www.unityunlimited.org/opalsfarm to sign up or donate today. We make each donation count as we move forward into the Fall planting season! See you soon…

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Father’s Day 2020

It’s been three weeks since my son Jeremy died. I haven’t yet responded to all the calls, texts, and condolence letters that so many of you have sent. I want to personally thank each one of you and will do so in the coming days. I’ve started to several times and found I simply couldn’t yet. This is a kind of grief I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Today is Father’s Day. It’s not much of a holiday this year. I usually have lunch with my older son (he’s still single ladies), Adrian, and let Jeremy spend time with his children. That’s how life goes. Our kids grow up and have families of their own and days like today are left to them to celebrate with the next generation. As it is, Adrian is on his way to Colorado to deliver Jeremy’s ashes to his mother and spend some time with her. She needs him now more than ever. Still, my children are absent, and my grandkids have no father to celebrate with. My heart is broken. I’ve had better Father’s Days…

Photo by Katy Hulsey

Over the last three weeks there have been many wonderful articles written or shared on the local NPR affiliate about Jeremy the artist. I’ve been so proud of him. To see the outpouring of love and appreciation for his talent and his work warms my heart. I know my son was loved by many. I am grateful for all of it, but it doesn’t talk about Jeremy, my son, and the father of my beautiful grandchildren.

One of the articles mentioned Jeremy’s art as his legacy. Apparently, the author wasn’t as good a friend as he claimed, or he would’ve known that Jeremy’s true legacy was his children. Thank you to all the subsequent writers that acknowledged the kids and Jeremy’s role as a father.

As I’ve sat here at the desk this morning, I’ve tried to put my emotions to paper, but I feel lost. There are no words. Jackson Browne came on my radio today. His words rang in my heart. If I were a better musician and singer, I’d sing this song for Jeremy. He’d get it…

Jackson Brown, For a Dancer

All of this being said, I want the wish a Happy Father’s Day to each of you Dad’s out there. It comes with a caveat – give your kids a hug and tell them how much you love them. Make this day about them. That’s what fathers do…

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“What a Lon, Strange Trip It’s Been”…

The funeral was today. Jeremy would have liked it. There were tears followed by the laughter as stories were shared amongst our family.

I’m not sure what I feel right now. It’s a sadness no one can know. Only a parent who has lost a child can understand the depth of the pain. My friend Edgar knows the pain of losing a son. He told me we are part of a club we never asked to be in. I get it. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I’m thankful that I have friends like him to walk me through this.

I came home. It somehow seemed fitting to listen to the wisdom of the Grateful Dead. Jeremy would appreciate that. I thought I was cried out until “Box of Rain” came on. I wasn’t. I can’t pin down the reason, but it reminded me of the evenings Jeremy and I sat on the front porch for hours discussing the meaning of life, the universe, and everything in it. I thought I’d leave it with you. Our journey has been a wonderfully “long, strange trip” and I miss my son…

Jeremy and I agreed American Beauty was the best Grateful Dead album ever…