Category: Hope

Christianity, Emotional Health, Faith, Family, Gardening, Health, Hope, Positive Thinking, Prayer, Recovery, Relationships, Service Organizations, Simplicity, Spirituality, Trust, Uncategorized

“It is good…”

gregoryjoel

I wasn’t going to write anything this morning. I have a lot to do, both work-related and here at home; and to be honest, I just wasn’t ‘feeling’ it. My thoughts were scattered, and I was preoccupied with getting Sadie, our youngest pup, out of the living room (she’s a sneaky little devil). She’d run behind the sofa every time I’d open the door and call her. I’d shut the door and she’d come scratch at it to get out. Rinse and repeat. So, writing was the farthest thing from my mind…

I finally managed to get Sadie out of the living room. I’m not sure why cat food does the trick, but it seems to work better than treats. Anyway, I poured a new cup of coffee, sat down to check emails, and took a moment to log in to Facebook and check on my friends. After all the morning’s frustrations, I needed some of the raw humor my friend Edgar usually posts. Instead, I came across a video demonstrating what true friendship really means.

It seems a terminally ill chimpanzee was in her last days. She refused food and water and at 59 years old, she had earned the right to face the end on her own terms. Then a long-lost friend came in, a scientist who had developed a relationship with her in her youth. You should have seen her smile. The love and touching (apparently after a long absence) was amazing. I could see why chimpanzees share 98% of our DNA. I guess I needed to see it this morning because the tears began to flow (and yes, I cried over a chimpanzee video). It sent me back to the porch to sit quietly and still my thoughts. So, like it or not, here I am…

There are so many things in this life that I don’t understand. I read the newsfeed each day, only to become frustrated, angry, hurt, and often baffled by what goes on in the world. Several years ago, I signed a ‘Covenant of Civility’ that Sojourners (a ministry in DC) and many other religious leaders signed, as a means of committing to civil discourse in the areas of politics, social issues, and culture. My friend Edgar tells me that, while it’s hard to love unconditionally, it’s always possible to be unconditionally kind. The covenant was revolutionary – the idea that one could remain respectful and civil to those with opposing views given the vitriolic atmosphere of the times.

I haven’t always been true to my commitment. There are times I allow my anger get the best of me and say things I wish I could take back. Then there are times when anger is called for, like when people are crushed by the weight of oppression and violence and no one seems to care. Even Jesus drove the moneychangers out of the temple, right? The world can be a depressing place and sometimes my response isn’t pretty…

That being said, when I saw that video this morning, the world seemed to fall back into perspective. The creation story says that when all was said and done, God looked at all of it and called it ‘good’ – not perfect, but ‘good’. Sometimes I focus on the bad. Yes, there is a lot of evil and meanness in the world. Social and economic justice, stewardship of the earth, and living non-violently are important issues and need to be addressed, but I need to see the good in the world as well. I guess that’s what struck me when I saw the ‘chimpanzee video’ this morning. I’m so blessed to have friends to walk with me on this journey, through good times and bad. If I look for it, I get to see all the ‘good’ the Creator saw…

There have been times I’ve been critical of the way we do ‘church’, but I’ve been the recipient of the love and service of the one I’m a member of. I get emails from across the country from ministries like Sojourners, Repairers of the Breach, or The Simple Way that are making a difference in people’s daily lives. I hear about their successes and their struggles. I talk to my friend Rusty, and I see how his walk with Jesus touches the people around him. If I look closely, I’m surrounded by folks whose actions strive to make their (and our) world a bit better.

Sometimes it’s easy to focus on the negatives. After all, we’re bombarded with them on the TV and the Internet. Yet, I’m struck by the simple moments when I can hear God say, “it’s all good”. I heard it this morning when I saw the chimpanzee’s smile at a long-lost friend. I heard it last night when I picked some more produce from the garden. I hear it all the time from friends and family. It doesn’t mean it can’t be better. It just reminds me to stop and appreciate the ‘good’.

I went into our bedroom while ago and there was Margaret with all three dogs lounging around the bed. I wish I’d had my camera with me. It was good…

Christianity, Emotional Health, Faith, Family, Growing Up, Health, Hope, Marriage, Prayer, Recovery, Relationships, Spirituality, Trust, Uncategorized

Sunday Morning…

gregoryjoel

I can’t think of a better way to start a Sunday morning than getting to spend time on the porch with my lovely wife. The heat may be here to stay in North Texas, but the porch is shaded and inviting. On morning’s like these, it’s not too hot to enjoy yet, so we lingered a little longer and soaked up the gorgeous morning…

This past Spring has brought more wildlife around our home than usual. The cardinals are in abundance this year, which I take to be a blessing. The old folks say that a cardinal in the yard is a visit from a loved one from “the other side”. If that’s true, our whole family is back together again. They’ve been in abundance this year.  The young mockingbird, who has claimed our yard as his own, flew down to see what we were up to and then flew off to the pecan tree to sing and seek a mate. A toad hopped across the porch chasing the bugs that hang out in the bed of wildflowers in front. Apparently, we have a new opossum family frequenting our backyard. A raccoon (which I pray does not figure out how to get in our attic) drops by just to aggravate the dogs late at night. A host of other bird species, the plethora of squirrels, and the occasional bobcat or coyote sighting ever remind us how blessed we are to have found our little home here.

I think about all the years I went about without seeing any of these simple pleasures – the birds, the wildlife, the flowers, the neighborhood. I was so self-centered, I couldn’t see anything beyond my own needs and pursuits. Even when I tried to do something for someone else it was to gain points toward something I want. I remember thinking my Dad was so silly because he was so intrigued and grateful for the little things in life. Now I’m becoming him. My kids laugh at me because I find myself doing the same things that he did. Go figure…

After my time on the porch I came in to go online for my church’s Sunday morning service. I still haven’t ventured back inside the building itself (baby steps…), but I try to attend online since my friend Rusty is the “online minister” and a couple of friends are hosts. I enjoy the insights that are shared “from the pulpit”. Still, one of my biggest frustrations is the one-sided communication that is called “preaching”. It’s probably a personal thing. I have never responded well to preaching. It always seemed like a way to remind me I wasn’t good enough. Then again, maybe I’m just one of those folks who doesn’t take to auditory learning. Perhaps it’s from far too many years of hearing “do as I say, not as I do”. Unfortunately, that wasn’t limited to preachers. I guess I’m just a “touchy-feely” kind of guy when it comes to learning lessons…

I’m fully aware that I bring a lot of baggage to the table when discussing “church”. My experiences were not always positive and usually left me with more self-loathing than when I got there. That’s why I love recovery meetings so much. They allow me to start peeling back all those layers of erroneous understanding about God and begin seeing him in a new light. Heck, they didn’t even say I had to call him God; a Higher Power would suffice. Besides, I’ve come to believe he doesn’t care what you call him. He just seems to love our conversations.

Sometimes I’m jealous of those who had no religious upbringing. The “God or “Higher Power” thing comes somewhat easier for them. When they experience the liberation of grace, God isn’t such a foreign concept. They experience God in fresh, new ways so it’s not surprising they find him to be loving and caring, instead of judgmental and pissed off all the time. It has taken me a long time to figure that out. My family and friends loaded me down with some well-meaning, but serious misconceptions about God, and it has taken me many steps along the path to get rid of the onus. Now I finally get it – His burden is light and a real pleasure to walk with…

Still, I’m grateful for the family (and community) I was raised in. While their view of God and grace were somewhat suspect, their motives and moral education were always well-intentioned. I never learned about (or experienced) grace until I found recovery. I think that’s why recovery meetings feel more like I always thought church was supposed to be – a bunch of ordinary people who have found a relationship with a God of their understanding, still don’t have all the answers to life, aren’t afraid to say so, and are finding out it’s okay to be human.  Like the Rabbi says, “Those who have been forgiven much, love much”. I like “churches” like that…

I’m grateful that my baggage has gotten much lighter over the last few years. I’ve been open to the guidance of my predecessor’s in this life and sometimes I get to learn from their mistakes and not make them mine. I’m grateful that I’m able to hear what I need to hear and that I’m able to see the beauty of the world around me, whatever the situation is. I know none it would’ve happened had I not been around a bunch of folks who, if I may paraphrase the Apostle James, “confessed their struggles to one another so that the healing may begin”.

I guess that’s why I struggle with ‘church’ as most of us know it. I seem to learn better when I hear others be honest about their struggles. They go through the same things as I do and through our sharing our experience we collectively find the strength and hope to make it another day. I just don’t sense that when I’m sitting in worship services. I used to think that was “just” me, but I know a lot of folks for whom that’s also true. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe it’s time we re-evaluate what constitutes ‘church’. That’s probably way above my pay grade so for now, I’ll just have ‘church’ every morning here on the porch. Worship usually starts after I wake up, sit down on the porch, and have my first cup of coffee. I get to see the goodness of a loving God all over my front yard. Maybe tonight, I’ll make a recovery meeting. Church isn’t just for Sunday’s anymore…

Christianity, Chronic Illness, Emotional Health, Faith, Health, Hope, Marriage, Prayer, Relationships, Trust, Uncategorized

When Life Shows Up…

gregoryjoel

My time on the porch is once again becoming shorter as the temperature begins to return to last week’s glimpse of late summer. While I enjoyed the temporary relief of the “cold” front that passed through, the above-average temperatures are becoming the new normal. NPR reported that the folks who keeps tabs on his kind of stuff say that May was a full five degrees hotter than last year across the board. It seems that every month seems to be either breaking records or least landing in the top five warmest years. I wonder what the world will be like for my grandchildren. I think about things like that and quite frankly, I get fearful for them. But that’s another story…

A young male mockingbird has laid claim to one of the trees in our front yard. He’s a cocky little fellow and a bit a bully when it comes to other birds in our yard and our cat. He’s quick to chase off the other birds, especially the doves, when they land in the yard. He loves to drop down and get close enough to Wallace, our cat, daring him to catch him and indulging in a very dangerous game of tag. Little does he know that Wallace isn’t really interested anything other that sleeping on my truck and periodically wandering over to the front porch to make sure his food bowl is constantly full. Still, I love watching the little guy just because he’s so full of self-confidence and bravado. It doesn’t matter that he has little to fear from Wallace. He’s still very courageous…

I went to my doctor yesterday for a follow-up to my recent hospital stay. I have another four weeks with my little IV buddy by my side. I still feel as if I’m under house arrest at times. Everything is scheduled around my infusion and the heat outside. I’m still not supposed to sweat, which seems futile given the Texas summer. I’m already tired of staying in either the bedroom or my office, which are the only rooms in the house that stay cool after about 10:00 AM. I sneak outside to work in the garden for a few minutes at a time. It’s only been a couple of weeks and I have serious cabin fever, which has been a truly eye-opening (and somewhat guilt-ridden) experience.

I’ve experienced, to a very tiny degree, what my wife has had to go through for the last two-and-a-half years. Some of you that are reading this know the difficulties my wife, Margaret, has had to walk through since her back surgery back in October of 2015. So, it makes sense when I say to you that I have no right to complain. Doing so reminds me of how self-centered I can be, even with the ones I love the most.

For those of you who don’t know Margaret, there are a few things I need to tell you. I don’t feel I’m speaking out of line, since we are both very public about our physical issues – not to seek pity, but to help others going through the same things. One thing I’ve learned over the last several years is that there are a lot of people who live with terrible isolation and depression. That’s often the consequence of chronic pain and illness. Our openness is hopefully beneficial to others, and for that I’m grateful. We both firmly believe that our purpose in life is to help others. Still, I forget that sometimes, I forget about the one closest to me.

Margaret has dealt with chronic pain for the last several years. We’ve joked that if it pertains to her back and ends with “-osis” she’s probably experienced it. She will tell you that she was 5’7” when she was twelve. She’s 4’10” today (and I’m 6’3” so it’s not always easy to frame our photos in a camera lens…). Despite the difficulty caused by her back issues, she’s been fiercely independent. If a doctor tells her she can’t do something, her response has always been “watch me”. Her attitude and her reliance on God led her to do many things she wasn’t supposed to be able to do. That’s one of the things I’ve always loved and admired about her. She’s a beautiful, strong, an independent woman.

However, her situation changed in 2015. She began to experience new back pains. It soon became apparent that another surgery would be required to alleviate them, which she had in October of that year. The surgery relieved much of the pain it as designed to do, but also left a new problem – healing was to be extremely slow around some of the new hardware in her back. The last two-and-a-half years has been tenuous at best. It’s like modified bed rest and it’s debilitating to her emotions as well.

If you deal with chronic pain or medical conditions, you know how easy it is to succumb to depression after all the frustration and powerlessness that comes with them. If my situation feels like house arrest, then I can only imagine how my wife must feel. I realize how my current “inconveniences” are nothing compared to the ones that she, and many others, constantly deal with. In fact, I feel like a bit of a jerk for saying anything at all.

We were talking yesterday afternoon about her frustration and depression. Sometimes she feels like she has no purpose anymore because of her limitations. It cut me to the core to see the love of my life feel that way. She’s been an unbelievable role model so many people, and she’s loved by so many folks, but sometimes knowing that and feeling that are two completely different things. So, I’ve been thinking a lot about what her (and my) purpose is the last few days.

We both have our faith, which calls us to love God and love others. She’s far better than I am at that, but with her help (and God’s!) I’m getting better at it. She’s clothed in humility and in tune with the needs of others. Humility is not “thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less”, and she truly exemplifies that virtue. Moreover, if I ever have difficulty with feeling (and practicing) gratitude, all I need is spend a few minutes with Margaret and I’m back on track again. Ultimately, our purpose is to be of service to God and our fellow travelers in this world and she meets that in so many ways. Still, that seems kind of vague and general when you’re stuck at home so much of the time.

The road hasn’t always been easy, but we’ve been down the road together, and God has graced us in ways that are unimaginable. There are days when she feels very lonely and isolated, even when I’m at work in the next room. So, I thought Margaret and I together could share some of our experience, strength, and hope of living well (and sometimes not so well) with chronic pain and illness. Hopefully, you’ll be hearing from her, in her voice, and hear her story soon. It’s one that needs to be shared. Maybe in sharing the grace that has been extended to us, we can help others see the love and grace in their own lives even when life “shows up”.

I haven’t talked to her about it yet, but we’re usually on the same page. I hope it all makes sense because she’s also my editor and she’s resting following a procedure on her back this morning. It’s just as important to us that we share our struggles as it is the share the incredible life we’ve been graced with. The old Hebrew prophets tell us that God “rains on the just and the unjust alike” – life shows up no matter who you are. Sharing how she and I work through it sounds like a pretty good “purpose”, so maybe we can be of help to someone along the way. I’ll keep you posted…

Christianity, Emotional Health, Faith, Family, Growing Up, Hope, Prayer, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Pomp and Circumstance…

gregoryjoel

(My “editor” is resting from yesterday’s events so please excuse typos, etc. I have a difficult time editing myself, but I felt a need to get this out, given the time of year it is…)

It’s a fine Sunday morning here on the porch. A “cold front” came through last night and the morning was a bit cooler than recent days. Instead of triple digits we’re looking at the mid-nineties temperature-wise, so I’ll take the “cool” whenever and wherever I can get it. The last couple of days have been rough – my air conditioner in the truck went out followed by the driver’s side door latch breaking. Of course, it waited until after my mechanic was closed for the weekend. That’s just the way things go sometimes…

It’s hard to believe it’s already June. Graduation season is in full swing. My granddaughter, Baillie, graduated yesterday. It probably just me, but she looked different after the ceremony – more like a young adult than a graduating teenager – and I felt myself beaming on the inside. She’s growing up and I’m so proud of her. Her parents like to remind me of her “imperfections” and I know that no one, not even my granddaughter, is perfect. Still, as her grandfather, it’s my prerogative to see only the “perfect” young lady she’s become.

She’ll be starting college in the Fall and I’m somewhat relieved that it’ll be here at Tarrant County Community College, so she can nail down her basic curriculum before moving a little farther north to finish at the University of North Texas. I’m a little envious. College was a great time in my life. For her parent’s sake, I hope she doesn’t follow my path though. I liked it so much that I attended on the “ten-year plan…”

As I sat through the ceremony yesterday, I was reminded that some things have changed since my own graduation. For one, it appeared that everyone wore clothes underneath their graduation gowns. That wasn’t the case when I graduated. Of course, my ceremony was held outside at Red Rocks Amphitheater in Denver and several classmates chose to wear shorts under their gowns. Unfortunately, not everyone wore anything! In the mid-seventies, the cultural fad called “streaking” had reached its peak during my senior year. Today such behavior would be rewarded with a designation as a sex offender. Anyway…

I know there will be a whole host of new memories created as she grows and blossoms into adulthood, but I’m feeling a little melancholy this morning. Baillie’s not a little girl anymore. She’s a beautiful young lady. It’s silly to think that I can ride around with her in my old truck, singing silly songs, and talking about things that mean absolutely nothing to anyone else but us. She’s moving into adulthood with all the prerequisite changes that come with it – new friends, new places, and new experiences. I’ve known that since she became a teenager – schedules and obligations change so there’s less time for grandpa –  but high school graduation seems so final. If I dwell on that, things could get depressing real fast. So today I chose to dwell on the happiness I feel when we get time together. The melancholy takes on a whole new face…

I don’t run around with that “little” girl any more, but I have happy, cherished memories of the times we spent together in those younger days. Besides, when we do get time together today, I spend it with an incredible, beautiful young lady. I enjoy our dinner’s out and the talks we have. The conversation may be different, but she’s still my little girl and for that I’m truly grateful. We still get to make memories together, and they will be as cherished as all the rest.

That being said, I feel a little older now that her graduation has come and gone. Between Baillie’s graduation and the recurring medical issue that I’m dealing with are making me feel older than I am. The world is changing, kids grow up, and I find a few more wrinkles, aches, and pains in places I’ve never had them before. I’d love to say that I have no regrets about the last sixty years, but I’d be lying. There are things I wish I’d done differently, especially with my kids, even if they’ve all contributed to making me the person I am today. Besides, I probably have a lot more years to travel this path and looking backward probably slows me down. I try to travel light. God and a lot of grace has helped me lay down a lot of excess baggage.

I’m not always comfortable with the journey. Things are difficult to understand sometimes. For instance, Friday I was scanning through my news feed and I found that words don’t mean what they did when I was a kid. According to the Washington Post, Trump (I still can’t use “President” and Trump in the same sentence!) has been in office 497 days and made “false or misleading statements” to the public 3,251 times. That’s an average of 6.52 times a day. Apparently, “false and misleading statements” are not that big a deal anymore.

When I was a kid, they called “false and misleading statements”, lies. I used to get my butt smacked or sent to my room if I was caught lying. “Even a half-truth is a whole lie” as my friend Jim used to say. I should have told my parents I was just making “false and misleading statements”. Maybe I could have been President…

I hope that Baillie and her classmates don’t put up with “false and misleading statements”. I hope they are never afraid to call a lie a lie. As I watched them come forward one by one, name by name, to receive their diploma I felt hopeful – maybe their youthful idealism doesn’t have to fade away like so many generations before. After all, human history doesn’t have a great track record, but then again, weren’t records meant to be broken?

I haven’t always been so hopeful about the future. As an employer, I’ve dealt with employees and prospective employees that people call “millennials” and quite frankly, “hopeful” isn’t an adjective I used very often. If it wasn’t my granddaughter’s graduating class I’d probably feel somewhat apprehensive about the future with them as well. It’s more likely that seeing her class reminds me that we’re all given another chance to change the future every day – none of us has to “settle” – and the grace I’ve discovered, so much later in life, is available to them every day as well. And that my friends, gives me hope…