Category: Recovery

Christianity, Emotional Health, Faith, Family, Gardening, Health, Hope, Positive Thinking, Prayer, Recovery, Relationships, Service Organizations, Simplicity, Spirituality, Trust, Uncategorized

“It is good…”

gregoryjoel

I wasn’t going to write anything this morning. I have a lot to do, both work-related and here at home; and to be honest, I just wasn’t ‘feeling’ it. My thoughts were scattered, and I was preoccupied with getting Sadie, our youngest pup, out of the living room (she’s a sneaky little devil). She’d run behind the sofa every time I’d open the door and call her. I’d shut the door and she’d come scratch at it to get out. Rinse and repeat. So, writing was the farthest thing from my mind…

I finally managed to get Sadie out of the living room. I’m not sure why cat food does the trick, but it seems to work better than treats. Anyway, I poured a new cup of coffee, sat down to check emails, and took a moment to log in to Facebook and check on my friends. After all the morning’s frustrations, I needed some of the raw humor my friend Edgar usually posts. Instead, I came across a video demonstrating what true friendship really means.

It seems a terminally ill chimpanzee was in her last days. She refused food and water and at 59 years old, she had earned the right to face the end on her own terms. Then a long-lost friend came in, a scientist who had developed a relationship with her in her youth. You should have seen her smile. The love and touching (apparently after a long absence) was amazing. I could see why chimpanzees share 98% of our DNA. I guess I needed to see it this morning because the tears began to flow (and yes, I cried over a chimpanzee video). It sent me back to the porch to sit quietly and still my thoughts. So, like it or not, here I am…

There are so many things in this life that I don’t understand. I read the newsfeed each day, only to become frustrated, angry, hurt, and often baffled by what goes on in the world. Several years ago, I signed a ‘Covenant of Civility’ that Sojourners (a ministry in DC) and many other religious leaders signed, as a means of committing to civil discourse in the areas of politics, social issues, and culture. My friend Edgar tells me that, while it’s hard to love unconditionally, it’s always possible to be unconditionally kind. The covenant was revolutionary – the idea that one could remain respectful and civil to those with opposing views given the vitriolic atmosphere of the times.

I haven’t always been true to my commitment. There are times I allow my anger get the best of me and say things I wish I could take back. Then there are times when anger is called for, like when people are crushed by the weight of oppression and violence and no one seems to care. Even Jesus drove the moneychangers out of the temple, right? The world can be a depressing place and sometimes my response isn’t pretty…

That being said, when I saw that video this morning, the world seemed to fall back into perspective. The creation story says that when all was said and done, God looked at all of it and called it ‘good’ – not perfect, but ‘good’. Sometimes I focus on the bad. Yes, there is a lot of evil and meanness in the world. Social and economic justice, stewardship of the earth, and living non-violently are important issues and need to be addressed, but I need to see the good in the world as well. I guess that’s what struck me when I saw the ‘chimpanzee video’ this morning. I’m so blessed to have friends to walk with me on this journey, through good times and bad. If I look for it, I get to see all the ‘good’ the Creator saw…

There have been times I’ve been critical of the way we do ‘church’, but I’ve been the recipient of the love and service of the one I’m a member of. I get emails from across the country from ministries like Sojourners, Repairers of the Breach, or The Simple Way that are making a difference in people’s daily lives. I hear about their successes and their struggles. I talk to my friend Rusty, and I see how his walk with Jesus touches the people around him. If I look closely, I’m surrounded by folks whose actions strive to make their (and our) world a bit better.

Sometimes it’s easy to focus on the negatives. After all, we’re bombarded with them on the TV and the Internet. Yet, I’m struck by the simple moments when I can hear God say, “it’s all good”. I heard it this morning when I saw the chimpanzee’s smile at a long-lost friend. I heard it last night when I picked some more produce from the garden. I hear it all the time from friends and family. It doesn’t mean it can’t be better. It just reminds me to stop and appreciate the ‘good’.

I went into our bedroom while ago and there was Margaret with all three dogs lounging around the bed. I wish I’d had my camera with me. It was good…

Christianity, Emotional Health, Faith, Gardening, Growing Up, Prayer, Recovery, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Work

Somebody please, take out the trash…

gregoryjoel

I didn’t spend much time on the porch this morning. I headed to the garden instead. A steady breeze blew this morning and I thought I’d take advantage of the cool morning to check on things out there. I have another four weeks of my little IV buddy and the heat is difficult, at best. Why waste such a gorgeous morning, right?

The beans are still putting out and the squash maintain steady production for harvest. The above-average temperatures are already taking their toll, but the garden fights back, refusing to surrender except on its terms. I thank God for its resistance because the ultimate harvest has begun in earnest – homegrown tomatoes. In an age of convenience, fast, and just plain crappy food, homegrown tomatoes probably aren’t a big deal to many younger folks (a brief aside – I asked one of the young guys working on a community garden project with me if he knew where tomatoes come from and he replied, the store?” I felt sad…), but they are to me. I know in my heart the world would be a better place if people would simply eat homegrown tomatoes…

Anyway, I’m back at the desk, perusing the newsfeed, with my mood alternating, as I read the various stories, from happy to sad to “what were they thinking?”. One headline from The Hill caught my eye. It was a report titled “White House Tasks office with taping together papers after Trump rips them up”. I had to read on, although not much surprises me anymore.

Apparently, Trump has an annoying habit (one of many, I might add) of ripping up whatever papers are on his desk regardless of whether they are official papers or not (I’m pretty sure he’s destroying evidence…). Since papers from the Oval Office are supposed to be archived, there are records management staffer who have been tasked with taping together all the little pieces of paper like a jigsaw puzzle, so they can be preserved according to Federal law. It seemed to be just another silly story from a silly place about a silly man, but something caught my eye as I read on.

The article goes on to say that a couple of those staffers were recently fired, one after three decades of service, and they talked to Politico about it. What struck me was the remark one of them, Reginald Young, Jr., made to his Director. He said, “Are you guys serious? We’re making more than $60,000 a year, we need to be doing something far more important things than this. It felt like the lowest form of work you can take on without having to take out the trash cans”.

His statement reflects the root of the problem with common folks and government, and people in general. His attitude of ‘I’m too good for that’ is often one that I’ve had in the past; and if I’m not careful, I can have in the present as well. It relegates people’s worth to some imagined scale of what’s important and what’s not. One of the first questions we ask new acquaintances is often, “So, what do you do?” as if what we do defines who we are. That’s rarely the case. Still, every business has a hierarchy: bosses look down on their employees, employees look down on new hires, and everyone seems to think they are too good to clean up their own messes and leave them for the janitorial staff. And so, it goes…

Fortunately, I had a father who called me on this. Nothing was beneath me. If I signed up for a job, then I needed to do whatever the job required. I wasn’t ‘too good’ to do anything and I sure wasn’t better than anyone else. Every job needed to be done and to be done well. I wish everyone had a dad like him. Maybe we’d find it easier to get along…

I didn’t always listen to Dad.  I spent years imagining new ways to please him and make him proud, even though I didn’t have to. He loved me just the way I was. It didn’t matter what I did for a living because that wasn’t who I was. I was his son and that, my friends, was enough. I remember him telling me over and over, “Son, I don’t care if you want to be a garbage man, be the best garbage man you can be”. It took me many years to find the truth in his wisdom. Simply do my best…

I really began to appreciate my father’s wisdom when I discovered a hidden treasure in my reading several years ago. It was an old French text from the 17th century by a man known as Brother Lawrence. It was called “Practicing the Presence of God”. Brother Lawrence was a lay brother, a monk in a Paris Priory. For fifty years since he said his vows, he worked in the kitchen of the priory and later, repaired sandals. I guess neither job was thought of any more highly then, than it is now. Yet somehow, this simple monk’s life revealed more about the nature of work and our relationship with God, than anything I have read before or since.

Working in the monastery kitchen, Brother Lawrence discovered that “common business”, no matter how mundane or seemingly insignificant to others, was the “medium of God’s love”. Therefore, work became an instrument of worship and relationship with God. Suddenly, washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen wasn’t some lowly job, it was an act of worship and partnership with the Creator. It was done with love and exuded love. Maybe that’s why so many people flocked to this simple monk over the years to seek spiritual advice and comfort.

Just as my Dad used to tell me to strive to do well and give credit where credit is due, I’ve come to value the principles and “Maxims” of Brother Lawrence. I’ve come to see that our work, no matter what it is, is a physical manifestation of God’s love and my relationship with him. If that’s the case, then nothing is ‘beneath me’ and one job is not more valuable than the other. Given that, what right do I have to look down (or up) on another’s work. We’re each a treasured child of the Creator and maybe, just maybe, I should treat folks that way…

I don’t expect attitudes to change in Washington D.C., or Fort Worth, or anywhere else for that matter. CEOs and men in powerful positions will continue to make exorbitant salaries at the expense of the very people who make their lives possible. We’ll still assign value to one’s work and put the somewhere on the ladder and thus, assign their worth. While attitudes may stay the same in general, I’ll pray that mine continuously change so I can see the value and the worth of each of God’s kids I run into every day. If I treat them as one of God’s kids, maybe they’ll treat themselves, and others, the same way. Before you know it, courtesy and respect begin to spread and maybe those White House staffers start taking out the trash because it needs to be taken out. Just sayin’…

Christianity, Emotional Health, Faith, Family, Growing Up, Health, Hope, Marriage, Prayer, Recovery, Relationships, Spirituality, Trust, Uncategorized

Sunday Morning…

gregoryjoel

I can’t think of a better way to start a Sunday morning than getting to spend time on the porch with my lovely wife. The heat may be here to stay in North Texas, but the porch is shaded and inviting. On morning’s like these, it’s not too hot to enjoy yet, so we lingered a little longer and soaked up the gorgeous morning…

This past Spring has brought more wildlife around our home than usual. The cardinals are in abundance this year, which I take to be a blessing. The old folks say that a cardinal in the yard is a visit from a loved one from “the other side”. If that’s true, our whole family is back together again. They’ve been in abundance this year.  The young mockingbird, who has claimed our yard as his own, flew down to see what we were up to and then flew off to the pecan tree to sing and seek a mate. A toad hopped across the porch chasing the bugs that hang out in the bed of wildflowers in front. Apparently, we have a new opossum family frequenting our backyard. A raccoon (which I pray does not figure out how to get in our attic) drops by just to aggravate the dogs late at night. A host of other bird species, the plethora of squirrels, and the occasional bobcat or coyote sighting ever remind us how blessed we are to have found our little home here.

I think about all the years I went about without seeing any of these simple pleasures – the birds, the wildlife, the flowers, the neighborhood. I was so self-centered, I couldn’t see anything beyond my own needs and pursuits. Even when I tried to do something for someone else it was to gain points toward something I want. I remember thinking my Dad was so silly because he was so intrigued and grateful for the little things in life. Now I’m becoming him. My kids laugh at me because I find myself doing the same things that he did. Go figure…

After my time on the porch I came in to go online for my church’s Sunday morning service. I still haven’t ventured back inside the building itself (baby steps…), but I try to attend online since my friend Rusty is the “online minister” and a couple of friends are hosts. I enjoy the insights that are shared “from the pulpit”. Still, one of my biggest frustrations is the one-sided communication that is called “preaching”. It’s probably a personal thing. I have never responded well to preaching. It always seemed like a way to remind me I wasn’t good enough. Then again, maybe I’m just one of those folks who doesn’t take to auditory learning. Perhaps it’s from far too many years of hearing “do as I say, not as I do”. Unfortunately, that wasn’t limited to preachers. I guess I’m just a “touchy-feely” kind of guy when it comes to learning lessons…

I’m fully aware that I bring a lot of baggage to the table when discussing “church”. My experiences were not always positive and usually left me with more self-loathing than when I got there. That’s why I love recovery meetings so much. They allow me to start peeling back all those layers of erroneous understanding about God and begin seeing him in a new light. Heck, they didn’t even say I had to call him God; a Higher Power would suffice. Besides, I’ve come to believe he doesn’t care what you call him. He just seems to love our conversations.

Sometimes I’m jealous of those who had no religious upbringing. The “God or “Higher Power” thing comes somewhat easier for them. When they experience the liberation of grace, God isn’t such a foreign concept. They experience God in fresh, new ways so it’s not surprising they find him to be loving and caring, instead of judgmental and pissed off all the time. It has taken me a long time to figure that out. My family and friends loaded me down with some well-meaning, but serious misconceptions about God, and it has taken me many steps along the path to get rid of the onus. Now I finally get it – His burden is light and a real pleasure to walk with…

Still, I’m grateful for the family (and community) I was raised in. While their view of God and grace were somewhat suspect, their motives and moral education were always well-intentioned. I never learned about (or experienced) grace until I found recovery. I think that’s why recovery meetings feel more like I always thought church was supposed to be – a bunch of ordinary people who have found a relationship with a God of their understanding, still don’t have all the answers to life, aren’t afraid to say so, and are finding out it’s okay to be human.  Like the Rabbi says, “Those who have been forgiven much, love much”. I like “churches” like that…

I’m grateful that my baggage has gotten much lighter over the last few years. I’ve been open to the guidance of my predecessor’s in this life and sometimes I get to learn from their mistakes and not make them mine. I’m grateful that I’m able to hear what I need to hear and that I’m able to see the beauty of the world around me, whatever the situation is. I know none it would’ve happened had I not been around a bunch of folks who, if I may paraphrase the Apostle James, “confessed their struggles to one another so that the healing may begin”.

I guess that’s why I struggle with ‘church’ as most of us know it. I seem to learn better when I hear others be honest about their struggles. They go through the same things as I do and through our sharing our experience we collectively find the strength and hope to make it another day. I just don’t sense that when I’m sitting in worship services. I used to think that was “just” me, but I know a lot of folks for whom that’s also true. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe it’s time we re-evaluate what constitutes ‘church’. That’s probably way above my pay grade so for now, I’ll just have ‘church’ every morning here on the porch. Worship usually starts after I wake up, sit down on the porch, and have my first cup of coffee. I get to see the goodness of a loving God all over my front yard. Maybe tonight, I’ll make a recovery meeting. Church isn’t just for Sunday’s anymore…

Christianity, Communication, Emotional Health, Faith, Family, Marriage, Prayer, Recovery, Relationships, Trust, Uncategorized

A Few Ground Rules…

gregoryjoel

A line of thunderstorms came through last night while we were sleeping. Our Catahoula, Jameson, assumed his “thunder” position in the corner. Jameson is one of our rescues (although we’re not sure who rescued who) and spent his first nineteen months in the shelter. I’m so happy that the Humane Society of North Texas is a “no-kill” shelter. I’m sure they kept him all those months because he was waiting for him to come home to us. Still, I can only imagine what it must’ve been like for him when thunderstorms came through: the cacophony of barking and howling reverberating off the concrete floors and walls. I’d probably be a little nervous, too.

The rain is absolutely, positively wonderful. I don’t care if I’ll spend the rest of the day mopping up dirty paw prints. We haven’t had a good rain in a while now. Not only did my garden need it, our A/C did as well. It’s had a well-deserved break this morning. I’m not looking forward to our electric bill this month.

So, the heat relief came and I was quite comfortable as I sat on the porch this morning. I enjoyed the day more than I have in the last few weeks. I spent time with my lovely wife, followed by a long phone call with my sister in Georgia. Life doesn’t get much better than that…

Sometimes my time on the porch is nothing more than a time to reconnect with the people in life. It’s also a chance to think about absolutely nothing. The days when nothing’s happening are some of the most treasured days I can have. My wife and I will often sit in silence together, each lost in our own little world, but somehow together. One of the greatest pleasures in our life is being able to enjoy each other’s company without having to fill it with meaningless conversation and noise. I’ve always been envious of couples that were able to speak volumes without saying a word.

I know it was soon after Margaret and I had been dating when I felt a need to lay down some communication ground rules for our relationship. I told her that there were a couple of things she needed to know about me to avoid any hurt feelings or seeming disinterest through any miscommunication. First, if she asked me what I was thinking, and I replied nothing, then I was actually thinking, “nothing”. I really mean it! Science may argue that it’s impossible for anyone not to be thinking something, but believe me – it is absolutely, positively possible for me not to be thinking about anything at all. So, ladies trust me on this, men can be completely mentally blank at times. It’s nothing personal. It just is what it is…

Secondly, I told Margaret that if I were to ask her how it’s going, and she replied, “okay”, then I’m going assume she’s telling me the truth and everything is okay. Since I’m not a mind reader I’m going to take her at her word. I trust her. If there’s something going on and she’s not ready to talk about it all she has to do is say so. I can be patient and go about life until she’s had time to process whatever is going on. I won’t lie and tell you this is easy. There are times when this is difficult: I am, by nature, a “fixer”. I think most men are. It’s hard to watch someone we love deal with something and we can’t do anything about it right now. I made the commitment to her that I would allow her the space and time she needs for herself because I trust her implicitly.

Margaret and I have been married for five and a half years and those two ground rules work well for us. We’re not perfect by any means, but we just don’t have very many spats (even little ones) because both of us practice these simple rules as best as we can. Maybe we can practice them because we were both in our fifties and had been single for so long before we started dating. It’s hard to play the dating games as you get older. You get more direct and to the point, especially when you don’t “need” anyone to make you feel like a whole human being. I have a friend that says, “One times one equals one, but fractions just don’t add up the same”. I know what he means. Believe me…

We have a good marriage. Notice I said “good”, not perfect. Then again, that’s what the Creator said when he looked down at the Earth and all of creation, “It is good”, not perfect. That tells me we’re on the right track. There’s still times when I wish it didn’t take Margaret so long to process her thoughts and feelings about something. Patience isn’t always my strong point. If I’m honest with myself, it’s still easy for me to become self-centered and think her feelings are all about me when they may be about something going on with one of the kids or with a friend. There are times when I want her, as with many issues in my life, to just “get it over with” because I need to find resolution. I still want to know outcomes long before I need to know them. I’m still able to drive myself crazy with all the unlikely scenarios running through my head. I just want to “know” what’s going on. As my friend Edgar always likes to remind me, “What do you know when you know?” Fortunately, we share the core value of faith in a loving God and it doesn’t take near as long to get out of self-centeredness and back to letting God run the show. That seems to work better for all involved. Go figure…

I know the rules sound silly, but they work for us. We’ve have learned to keep it simple and that may not work for everyone else. The rules work so well because we trust one another. We trust each other because we learned to trust ourselves. We learned to trust ourselves by learning to trust the loving God to whom we surrendered to. If he has our back it’s become pretty, darn easy to look out for, and love one another, the way he loves us.

I know it’s only been five-and-a-half years, but I’m beginning to realize that we share the same thing as all those old couples I used to be so envious of. The irony is that I always thought I had to work so hard for happiness, but the reality is that when I quit working for it, I received it in abundance. Now I get to share it with the love of my life and sometimes I don’t even have to say anything at all…

Christianity, Emotional Health, Faith, Freelancing, Gardening, Prayer, Recovery, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Writing

No Compromise…

gregoryjoel

I didn’t spend much time on the porch this morning. I don’t handle the heat as well as I used to. The little buddy on my hip, my IV infusion, makes the heat even more difficult to bear. I’m glad I made some changes in my professional life over the past year, but I really miss being outdoors much of the time. At least I’m able to spend time in my garden, even if it is in short spurts. I’m sure I’ll be able to be out more after this IV infusion therapy is over in a couple of months. Remember the “patience is a virtue” thing…

I’m grateful for the opportunity I’ve been given to practice patience today. I’m often guilty of trying to stay so busy that I fail to take care of myself. When I’m so busy that I let myself get run down it becomes difficult to hear the gentler, quiet voice of creation. I begin to feel “irritable, restless, and discontent”, as my elders warned me I would. I start to resent having to meet others needs and move toward total self-centeredness. Feeling too tired and over-stretched is a dangerous place for me to be.

I mention all this because of an article I read this morning that really struck me “right between the eyes”. It was talking about taking on work that compromises my values, my self-worth, and the future of my business. As a business owner and freelance writer, it really hit home. If I’m honest, I’ve been guilty of compromise and thus, suffered the consequences.

Thirteen years ago, I started a back-to-work program for a local non-profit providing transitional housing and social services for the homeless HIV/AIDS community. What I don’t often share, lest it affect my professional life, is that I was one of those on the receiving end of their services. I had only been in recovery for a few months but had lost my home, my health, and my family when I finally surrendered and began a new chapter in my life. I had been fortunate enough to do well professionally (if one can do well) until the last few months of my active addiction. My experience in business writing, operations management, and Human Resources made starting such a program much easier. Still, I’m grateful for the “gift of desperation” that led to a new relationship with the God of my understanding.

The “back-to-work” program, Hope Works, grew quickly: not so much in the number of people participating as in the profitability of the landscape portion of the program. To make a long story short, I was asked to buy-out that portion of the program and spent the last few years as a landscape and an outdoor living contractor. That’s when things changed.

Fear is an insidious beast that creeps in slowly. The article I mentioned earlier said that there were times when compromise is appropriate: like when first starting out for instance. I’m not sure I agree with that. My experience has taught me that lowering price to get the job has far reaching consequences. If the purpose of my business is to gain repeat customers and personal referrals, then the existing or potential customer learns to value my time and energy less for the next job. Moreover, I begin to resent the time I’m spending on their job. My resentment increases and my self-worth decreases. I treat people how to treat me. Go figure!

Every time I’ve compromised to get a job there have been consequences. Personally, and as a landscape contractor I’ve always worked organically, without the use of chemicals and pesticides that I know damage the creation I’m to be a steward of. For the first few years I had a policy of “organic only”. I wouldn’t take on a customer who wanted something other than organic lawn and garden care. However, after my first stroke I lost a lot of customers because I had to reschedule so many jobs. When I got back to full-time work I began to compromise my “organic only” policy. I needed to rebuild my business! The “what ifs” had crept in. It may sound silly to you, but I felt terrible because I knew I had violated my values. Although I’d offered a temporary solution to their landscaping issue, I’d caused long-term damage to their yard and the creation I’m so passionate about defending.

So why do I compromise? Simply put, it’s because I’m scared. Intellectually, I know that God loves me and holds me in high regard. He’s never let me down. Looking backward, the evidence of His care is 100% true. I can intellectually know that and still be in emotional fear. What if I don’t get the job? What if I go without? How do I provide for my family? The questions go on and on. Where is my faith in the middle of all of this? I’m convinced that fear is the root of all my troubles – I compromise out of fear.

There were many reasons why I decided to return to freelancing full-time – I’m getting older, I don’t handle the heat as well as I used to, the frustrations of dealing with employees and subcontractors, and the fact that I can be at home more often for Margaret – but the bottom line is that I’m good at what I do, and I bring value to my clients. Starting this new business venture has been slow-going and frustrating at times. I’ve had to say no to potential business – they wanted me to compromise the value of my services – and there’s been a lot of “what ifs” and self-doubt. The difference is that I set a “no compromise” policy when it comes to potential business – even when I’m scared about the future. Contrary to popular belief, faith isn’t merely the absence of fear. It’s the ability to walk through it. It’s ironic that in doing so, I experience more success than I ever have, and my clients benefit as well. Moreover, it’s brought me far more meaningful projects and one’s that I’m more passionate about.

There are times when compromise is necessary. After all, the world isn’t always black and white and relationships – personal, business, and social – are fluid, never static. We “go along to get along”; but compromising who (and who’s) I am, is not up for negotiation. The Rabbi asked:

“If God gives such attention to the wildflowers – most of which are never even seen – don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do her is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving… Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, and God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out! You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met”. (Matthew 6.30-33 The Message)

Fear still creeps in, but I don’t compromise my value today. I do good work. I listen to my client and the needs of their audience. That’s highly valuable to my client, my community, and myself. That seems to spur me on to an even better work for them – and myself. Moreover, I don’t worry (at least not as much!) like I used to. It’s definitely the “easier, softer way” (some of you know where I got that…) of living I always dreamed of. It’s so much easier to do and be my best when I’m willing to say “no” to compromise. I’m a “people-pleaser” by nature so saying “no” wasn’t so easy at first, but it’s become easier, and I’ve grown from it’s benefits.

There was a show on television yesterday about the decade of the Eighties and I saw a clip about Nancy Reagan’s “Just say no” anti-drug campaign. I’m not so sure it was a great motto for avoiding drugs, but it sure makes living in my skin a lot easier. My advice to you then is “Just say No”…