Category: Health

Christian Mysticism, Christianity, Chronic Illness, Communication, Dogs, Emotional Health, Faith, Freelancing, Gratitude, Growing Up, Health, Hope, Horses, Listening, Love, Patience, Prayer, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Writing

Straight From the Horse’s Mouth

gregoryjoel

Relief is in sight for the beleaguered! The forecast for the day is for cooler temperatures, at least for the next two or three days. Only in Fort Worth would we be excited by temperatures in the mid-nineties. Such are summers in Texas…

The last few days have been hectic, so I thought I’d take a break and catch the online sermon from church last Sunday morning. I’m still questioning the idea of worship in the corporate setting, so my ‘attendance’ remains online. I value the thoughts of our preacher, even if I’m still uncomfortable with how we do ‘church’ in our culture. Unfortunately, the livestream of the sermon kept disconnecting. It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. I can relate to that. For the last two or three days, my prayers have been few and far between. I’ve been feeling a little low and my connection with my Higher Power is in a constant cycle of cutting out and reconnecting. I’ve felt like I’ve been in a constant ‘buffering’ state and I can’t quite reach 100%.

Connection problems can and do happen. God’s end may always broadcast a strong signal, but my reception gets spotty from time to time. The connection difficulties are always on my end. When it happens I often have to stop and clean out my ‘antennae’. Occasionally, I get far too busy, over-tired or just plain lazy and my mind gets clogged with self-pity, resentment, and self-centeredness. I begin to sound much like Eeyore in A.A. Milne’s, Winnie the Pooh – “Woe is me, I can’t find my tail…”

I’m not unique. Some of the most spiritual people I know feel a disconnect from their Higher Power on occasion. The sixteenth century Spanish mystic, St. John of the Cross, called this disconnect, “the dark night of the soul”. For those of us who pray, who converse with the Spirit of the Universe, we know what he’s talking about. There are times when it feels like prayers fall on deaf ears. We listen intently for answers that don’t come. God is silent. We feel alone, left to our own devices.

When I feel isolated and disconnected, I begin to wonder where God is. I start to question my faith. I’m filled with doubts: little ones at first that multiply into crisis of faith. I used to think this was anathema to me. My upbringing had taught me that questioning one’s faith destined me to the fires of hell. That haunted me for many years, but today I know that faith without questioning is not much of a faith at all. God is much bigger than my doubts. If I continue to pray and listen I will hear God’s response in the most extraordinary, yet simple, ways.

I do some work at a stable not far from my home. Don’t tell anyone, but I’d do it for free just because I love being there. There are three horses, Dollar, Lightfoot, and Trooper (‘the boys’ as I call them). Dollar is the oldest, at seventeen. The other two are two or three-year-old rescues; adopted wild mustangs from herds in Arizona and Utah.

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Now I am no ‘horse whisperer’ by any means, but I’ve developed quite a relationship with Trooper and Lightfoot. I was warned they were skittish around people, but that hasn’t even been close to my experience. They have loved and ‘hugged’ on me since the day we met. When I pull up to the stables, they amble over to say hello and let me love on them.

They are one of the ways I find reconnection with my Higher Power. I leave the stables with my spirit more in tune with the universe. There’s a buzz, a vibration, and I begin to hear God whisper. Decisions come easier. Heck, life becomes easier. My mind is free to explore the realm of possibilities, to work and play again. Most importantly, I begin to feel a sense of belonging, of being a part of something far bigger than I. My gratitude grows, and my doubts are erased. All of this happens by simply allowing God to love on me through others, whether they have four legs or two.

I’m basically an introvert. I find the company of my dogs and the horses to be my safe, comfortable place. My beautiful wife, on the other hand, is extremely social and extroverted. She loves to be on the go and around others. I often joke that I’d been more places in the first year of marriage than I had in the previous ten. For that reason, the last almost three years since her back surgery have been hard on her. I’m thrilled when she’s able to get out. I know it’s her way of reconnecting, of hearing God’s voice.

God’s voice becomes clear through our relationships with people and the world around us. When I’m aware of the beauty of creation, I strive to be a better steward of God’s world. I believe that God’s silence is simply His way of reminding me of the importance of relationships, whether they be with dogs and horses or the people in my life. His silence reminds me of the spirit of all things that connect me to the universe. His silence reminds me to be grateful, to be awestruck, and to drink in the beauty of all things.

Most importantly, His silence is a reminder He’s still there, loving me through ‘the dark night of the soul’. Those days, whether measured in weeks or years, will come for all of us. Feelings of doubt and even futility, but they will pass eventually, and probably do so in the most unlikely of ways. It might even come straight from the horse’s mouth…

Christianity, Emotional Health, Faith, Family, Gratitude, Growing Up, Health, Hope, Letting Go, Neighbors, Prayer, Recovery, Relationships, Simplicity, Spirituality, Trust, Work, Writing

Looking at sixty…

gregoryjoel

I know everyone is getting ready to celebrate the 4th of July but my Independence Day began at 9:15 this morning. My doctor pulled my PICC line and I’m free from my little IV buddy. You all are probably relieved as well. No more having to read about me being under house arrest. I still need to keep the dressing dry for another eight hours. Then, I can officially sweat again. That should be easy as the weather folks are saying it’ll be another 100-plus degree day. I stand in defiance and yell, “Bring it on”. “Free at last”…

Since I went to the doctor, I didn’t get to spend much time on the porch this morning. It’s probably just as well. The heat’s already difficult to deal with and the air seems very still and humid. It didn’t keep me from making another pot of coffee and perusing the newsfeed though. Through the dissonance of all the Monday morning news I found one article worthy of attention. The headline was something like “The One Thing People Over Fifty Regret Most”. I emailed it to myself for later and then the link didn’t work. I truly regret that I didn’t read the whole thing first…

Anyway, I did some research and found another list of the fifty things people over fifty regret the most. I’ll be fifty-nine for another month, so I guess I still qualify. As I read I began to feel better about my emotional and mental health. Of course, it could also be sociopathic behavior, but I prefer to think positively.

According to the MSN Lifestyle section, the number one regret among people my age is “ending a relationship with someone you loved”. I was a little surprised, but I can see that. There’s something about ‘the one that got away’ that seems to stay with us a long time. That hasn’t been my experience though. My first marriage didn’t work out so well. It was mostly my fault, but there’s no regret there. I stayed single for many years afterward. I dated and had a couple of long-term relationships that bring fond memories, but I can’t think of any regrets. I did for a long time but five-and-a-half years ago, I found out that God had something (or more accurately, someone) in mind for me all along. I married my best friend and the love of my life. Scratch off resentment number one…

The number two resentment listed was “not being more adventurous”. If I have any regret about this one, it has more to do with being too adventurous in my younger years. Then again, I could easily substitute ‘being adventurous’ with acting stupid. That’s far more accurate. I did a lot of stupid, and often insane things, now that I look back. In case my look backwards becomes cloudy, I have aches and pains (and the medical bills) to remind me of the foolishness of my youth. Boring is much easier on the body. Every now and then I get a wild hair and think I’m twenty-something again, and I’m quickly reminded I’m not…

As I went down the list, I realized that recovery, a relationship with the God of my understanding, and the love of friends and family has helped me come to terms with what were once regrets. I won’t lie and say I have none. I don’t think anyone can be totally free of regrets, but they’ve become manageable as I grow older.

What really surprised me about the Top Fifty Regrets was that kids and parents were way down on the list. Even though a lot of healing went into my relationships with my parents and children, I wish the damage had never occurred in the first place. My father passed in 2002 and my mother just last year. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of them and I often wish I had been a better son. I’m a hardhead and I know I was a handful. So, I try to live each day in a manner that makes them proud. I’m not sure if it constitutes a regret. I’m sure they smile on me today.

I know most parents wish they had done things differently. I sure do. Unfortunately, kids don’t come with instruction manuals and sometimes they pay dearly for our struggles as parents. I know mine did. I’m not confused about that today. I’m truly grateful when my boys go out of their way to show their love for me as their often imperfect father. My oldest came by the other night with a belated Father’s Day gift, a picture of Roger Staubach and Tom Landry on the sidelines back in 1969. If you know how I felt about the old Dallas Cowboys, you’d know how much it meant to me. Grace is such a wonderful thing…

Thankfully, my regrets list is small, although I could really understand number thirty-four on the list, “being ungrateful”. It took a long, long time to find gratitude in my life. I wish I had been more grateful for the life God gave me. An old friend used to always say “you lead such a charmed life”. I was in my late forties before I understood what she meant. I do lead a charmed life, despite a lengthy list of bad decisions and deplorable actions. That’s why, for me, everything is about grace and gratitude.

I think that the deeper one experiences the grace of a loving God, family, and friends, the easier it is to be grateful. That’s been my experience and observation anyway. When I’m honest enough to admit my failures and find forgiveness anyway, I can’t help but be grateful, and that gratitude leaves me with very little regret. Go figure…

Christianity, Emotional Health, Faith, Family, Fishing, Gratitude, Growing Up, Health, Hope, Letting Go, Marriage, Positive Thinking, Prayer, Recovery, Relationships, Uncategorized

On Dead-ends and Fishing

gregoryjoel

There’s a steady breeze this morning, making for a pleasant summer morning here on the porch. Margaret is hurting this morning and elected to stay in bed a bit longer leaving me to enjoy the sunshine of the day here in our quiet cul-de-sac by myself. She had two procedures of shots in her back in the last month and the promised relief is nowhere to be found. If anything, the pain is worse. It’s hard to see my wife in pain but she reminded me that ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’, so it we gave it a try.

My quiet was broken this morning by a large tree-trimming truck pulling a wood chipper as it came down the street. Please keep in mind that we live in a cul-de-sac at the end of a long street. Parking is at a premium here and cars on the street make our little circle even smaller. I noticed the look of panic on the truck driver’s face as he slowed and tried to figure out how he was going to negotiate the situation. He made several attempts, growing more frustrated with each one. It was apparent he was in a bit of a pickle. He sat for a moment, thought about it for a bit and soon his passenger climbed out and positioned himself behind the chipper. The driver, reassured by his guide, took a deep breath, repositioned his truck and chipper and backed down the street and went on his way. Problem solved…

I, like the tree truck driver, find myself driving along a road that seems free and clear, and suddenly I find myself facing a dead-end and I can’t get out. Sometimes I just need to stop trying to turn around on my own and back down the way I came. Since I’m not that great at driving in reverse, I need a guide I can trust to show me the way without backing into all the parked vehicles or tree limbs hanging over the street. Fortunately, I have such a guide and I’m blessed to have family and friends who help me stay on the right road. A lot of folks don’t…

The whole scenario reminded me of my youth and fishing trips with Dad. I was notorious for getting my line tangled on something beneath the water. I’d pull and tug until the line popped and came flying back, creating a tangled mess of fishing line that was impossible to straighten out. My father used to tell me to cut my line when it’s caught on something and I’d avoid a tangled mess. I could put on a new hook and get busy fishing again. I was stubborn and wanted to do it my way, so I didn’t spend a lot of time fishing…

I can still be pretty stubborn, even though I don’t like to think so. I don’t think it’s just a ‘guy’ thing that I don’t like to ask for directions. I like to think, or at least let others think, that I have it all under control, that I don’t need help. I’m like the ‘Marlboro Man’ in the old cigarette ads. I can do it and do it my way. Of course, I forget that the ‘Marlboro Man’ died of lung cancer. Independent, strong, and egotistical has their drawbacks…

I am getting better, though. I trust my guide and not only is it easier to back out of dead-ends, it’s become a little easier to avoid them in the first place. I’m willing to stick to the map and ask for directions if I’m having difficulty. I’m willing (most of the time anyway) to stop when the people closest to me sound out a warning. Heck, I’ve even learned to read instructions before I assemble new purchases. I still have parts left over from time to time but it’s usually because they packed extra ones to begin with. Go figure!

I’m learning to ‘cut my line’ and let go of my need for control over situations. I spend a lot more time ‘fishing’ and a lot less time trying to work out the knots and tangles life throws at me. They’ll work themselves out one way or the other. I’m not responsible for, nor can I control, the outcome so why get all worked up? I cast the line, reel it in, and sometimes I get a really big fish…

It’s time to go in and get to work. I’m sure the tree truck dilemma was no coincidence this morning. I have a project that’s proving itself to be somewhat difficult. I needed a reminder that my Guide never steers me wrong. Who knows, maybe I need to ‘cut my line’ and tackle the problem from a different angle. Either way, I’m going to trust my Guide and follow directions. Like the old Zen proverb, I’m going to “cut wood and carry water” and see what happens…

Christianity, Communication, Emotional Health, Faith, Family, Growing Up, Health, Hope, Neighbors, Positive Thinking, Prayer, Recovery, Relationships, Simplicity, Spirituality, Trust, Uncategorized

“Won’t you be my neighbor?”

gregoryjoel

Another busy day lies in front of me so my time on the porch this morning has been extremely brief. Add to that the fact that it felt like I opened the oven door instead of the front door when I went out this morning and you’ll understand why I didn’t stay too long. I can only imagine how my son will feel as he just returned from Alaska late last night. Talk about temperature shock! It reminds me of a September camping trip I made to Colorado some years back. When I broke camp to come home it was 21 degrees outside. When I got back to Texas eleven and a half hours later it was 105 degrees. That’s the way it goes in North Texas…

 

Anyway… Despite the busy day ahead, I made up for the lack of time on the porch by lingering over my news and reader feeds this morning. I’m sure I’ll feel guilty for ineffective time management later, but I needed to feed my news addiction as well as follow my favorite writers and their blogs. The day just wouldn’t be the same without it.

 

I came across one article that really caught my eye. It was a commentary on Mr. Rogers, the beloved children’s show host who passed in 2003. I never was a fan of his show when I was younger. I don’t ever remember watching public television until well after I had outgrown shows like Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood and Sesame Street. By 1968, when Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood debuted, I was more interested in hanging out with my friends and declaring my adolescent independence. My sister, who is six years younger, was far more familiar with them than I. As I grew older, my knowledge of Mr. Rogers came from the comedy skits on Saturday Night Live or the Fireside Theater. When I finally had kids of my own, they weren’t very interested in public television. They preferred Power Rangers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the like when they did watch television. Most of the time they were outside being boys.

 

So, I didn’t take Mr. Rogers seriously until my grandkids introduced him to me. What I found was a man who simply loved people, especially children. There was a simple message, even to adults. I was listening to NPR the other day and heard an interview with the director of a new documentary about Fred Rogers. One of the things parents and children alike forget about him, is that he was an ordained Presbyterian minister. I didn’t know that he was ordained to specifically minister to children. He carried out his mission so well. I’m glad someone thought enough of him to produce a documentary. I can’t wait to see the movie.

 

I suppose it’s a bit ironic that I learned to appreciate a man who hosted a children’s show now that I’m in my fifties. Somehow, his simple message seems more real (and needed) than ever before. It reminds me of Robert Fulghum’s book, All I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. Maybe that’s why Jesus said we need to become like little children to enter the kingdom of God? The messages about trust, making good decisions, and trusting the adults who love us (and hence the One who loves us) seem even more important today than ever.

 

Richard Gunderman, in his commentary in The Conversation on June 8th of this year says, Rogers believed that the need to love and be loved was universal, and he sought to cultivate these capacities through every program, saying in a 2004 documentary hosted by actor Michael Keaton, one of his former stagehands, “You know, I think everybody longs to be loved, and longs to know that he or she is lovable. And consequently, the greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know they’re loved and capable of loving.” I can’t think of a better calling, a better way of living. I want to be like Mr. Rogers when I grow up…

 

Gunderman goes on to point out:

 

“In preaching love, Rogers wasn’t just attending to the moral character of his youthful audience. He believed that he was also promoting their health. As he said in 1979, “My whole approach in broadcasting has always been, ‘You are an important person just the way you are. You can make healthy decisions.’ Maybe I’m going on too long, but I just feel that anything that allows a person to be more active in the control of his or her life, in a healthy way, is important.”

Since Rogers’ death, evidence has mounted that he was on to something — namely, that love and kindness truly are healthful, and that people who express them regularly really do lead healthier lives. Simply put, people who are generous and volunteer their time for the benefit of others seem to be happier than those who don’t, and happy people tend to have fewer health complaints and live longer than those who are unhappy.”

I thought of all the people in my life. For the most part, they tend to have one thing in common: they tend to love others well. They seem to have this idea that the most important question one can ask in life is, ‘How can I help?’ They are loving, kind, and happy. Given the scientific discoveries about happiness and good health, most of them will be with me a while. At least, I hope so…

I sure would like to be a part of the neighborhood Mr. Rogers lived in. I guess I’ll just have to be a good neighbor here. I don’t own any of his trademark cardigan sweaters, but I can always ask, “Won’t you be my neighbor?”

Christianity, Communication, Emotional Health, Faith, Family, Gardening, Gratitude, Growing Up, Health, Hope, Recovery, Relationships, Uncategorized

A Big Thanks!

gregoryjoel

I’m going to be brief today. Time on the porch is never a distraction. It centers my morning, but this morning I had to set priorities for meeting deadlines on a couple of projects. The consequence is very little time to write (and wait for my editor, so please forgive any errors…).

I told my wife that I’ve been extremely emotional the last couple of days. It’s a positive emotional state. I simply become overcome with gratitude and little things start the tears flowing. I still have difficulty admitting that I shed tears over such small (and what I tend to call silly) things. Thankfully, I hear my friend Edgar’s voice reminding me that “we cry like a man today”. Men can and do cry. We just don’t like anyone to know…

Anyway, I just wanted to take a moment to tell those who follow or simply read my posts from time to time a heartfelt thank you. I read your posts and others as well and I’m so happy to have such a great community. Thank you for going for going on the ride with me. And what a ride it is…