Christianity, Citizenship, Class, Community, Concervatives, Culture, Emotional Health, Faith, Family, Friendship, Generations, Gratitude, Neighbors, Politics, Prayer, Recovery, Relationships, Simplicity, Spirituality, Uncategorized, What Can I Do, Writing

Dinosaurs…

Today I was asked to repost this, and given the long list of things to do today, I’m grateful for the brevity required to put this up today. I wish all of you a wonderful and blessed day!

It’s raining today here in Fort Worth. It’s the kind of Spring rain I love: constant, but not too heavy, gently soaking the soil, and intensifying the vibrant greens of the trees beyond my porch. I’ll be picking strawberries this weekend! It’s the perfect morning for sitting here and simply enjoying the day. My thoughts stray and wander among the raindrops. All is well, except for the dogged determination of one little bugger that keeps asking me why good people do messed up things…

Many of you know that I tend to be a news junkie. It’s a habit I acquired in high school and college, long before the “24 Hour News Cycle” and the up-to-the minute “reporting” of the Internet. I was a student activist majoring in Political Science and had some pretty high ideals. I guess everyone thinks they can change the world when they’re young, but the reality of family, jobs, bills, and the often unfortunate drudgery of adult living hasn’t set in.

My motivations have changed over the years. I still watch the news (more than I should), it still drives me to some degree of activism and usually, insanity. The high ideals of my youth have come full circle. The difference today is in the lens that I view the world with. Today I see things differently because of my relationship with the God of my understanding. I’ve talked about that “lens” a lot. I apologize for any redundancy in my posts. Just think of a blind man suddenly seeing for the first time and maybe you’ll understand my obsession (one of the better ones that have dominated my life!) with visual clarity.

Seeing the world differently has enabled me to see all sides of the story. I say all sides because, as my friend Jim used to say, “There’s three sides to every story – yours, mine, and the truth”. I must confess that growing older, and hopefully a wee bit wiser, has helped broaden my vision as well. That’s probably why I understand “conservatives” better.

That being said, I hate political and social labels like conservative or liberal, Republican or Democrat, and socialist or libertarian. They seem to be ways of dismissing anyone who doesn’t agree with you. It’s just one more way we divide into “us versus them”. Moreover, they don’t really define who we are. Most, if not all, of us are not the labels we use to define one another.

I am not the labels you assign me, nor are you the labels I often find myself assigning to you. I still do that even though I know it’s not true for any of us. Changing one’s way of thinking is a difficult and most likely (for me anyway), an impossible task. It took a new relationship with a power greater than myself to transform my thinking and, more importantly, my actions. I’ve grown a little less judgmental as a result. My vision is beginning to clear.

I’ve come to re-prioritize my belief structure and activism. Things that seemed so important in my younger days have been put on the back burner, and more often than not, taken off the stove completely. Social justice and peace are fantastic things to work toward and my calling toward them hasn’t changed, but the locale has. I’m not going to change the world, but I am going to change my response to it. I probably won’t change my Senator’s vote (especially our Senators!), but the way I live may influence someone else to live a little more loving and kind right here in my neighborhood. I’m not going to impact Washington, D.C. but I am going to do things different right here in Fort Worth, Texas. I’m going to look beyond the labels and be a little kinder, courteous and, hopefully, a lot more accepting. Above all, if I’m to be labeled, I hope I’m thought of as one of those crazy followers of the Rabbi…

It’s a little easier to be an “us” today. There’s far less of “them’ today. I still have differences of opinion with people on political, social, and economic issues. Cultural differences are hard to get past at times. I continue for clarity, to see people as God sees them, and they become easier to understand. If the truth be known, becoming older has made it easier to understand people who want to “conserve” old ways of thinking and acting. Change is difficult at best…

When I came in from the porch, Margaret was watching old episodes of The Andy Griffith Show. I couldn’t help but think of how wonderful and idyllic a place like Mayberry would be. I know a lot of other people, at least Baby-Boomers like myself, who share in my feelings. Nostalgia, no matter how well-intentioned lacks any foundation. There never was a Mayberry. Even in the early sixties it was just a TV show. It may have mirrored a simpler time, but not reality. I grew up in the last few years of the Jim Crow South. I know. I still recall the resistance to civil rights and acceptance of horrors like Vietnam. The reality makes me wonder about one’s motivation toward conservatism. How can you” conserve” an illusion; something that never was?

I was meeting with a business mentor of mine a while back and he pointed out that I’m a dinosaur. I know he was referring to my lack of technological savvy (I can still create great content though!). I don’t need any reminders that I need to ask my grandchildren for technical support sometimes but, if I’m honest, I am a dinosaur and I’m okay with that. There are times I wish we lacked some of the communication, informational and mis-informational ability in our world today. Just because you saw it on the Internet doesn’t make it true, if you know what I mean. There’s enough crap out there to cement anyone’s convictions – real or imagined.

I have a long, long way to go in my journey toward the kingdom where God’s will “is done on earth as it is in heaven”. My experience is one that tells me to move forward down the path and don’t look back. I’ve made my fair share of detours and walked in a lot of circles. The cool thing is that you have, too. We’re far more alike than either of us would like to admit. Maybe we can set aside the labels, lending a helping hand and try to figure out how to help navigate to wherever both of us are headed…

Christianity, Grief, Recovery, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Family dinners…

Spring is in full bloom here in North Texas. Bluebonnets, One-Eyed Susan’s, and Indian Paintbrush make driving, even during rush hour, a beautiful experience. The pink blooms of the Morning Glories are so thick on the freeway medians there’s hardly a trace of green. The Arizona Ash and Pecan trees are vibrant greens and offer shade from the late afternoon sun. We’ve had frequent visits from the Woodpeckers, with their bright red crowns, as well as Cardinals and other species that were absent in the past few years. Blooms are making their appearance in the garden and my mouth is watering in anticipation of homegrown veggies…

I haven’t written as much the last few days. I’ve had several projects going at once, alternating between the office and the outdoors, which I enjoy. I have what my friend calls “First World” problems today: work, home, recovery, and so forth. Busy, busy, busy. So, it was nice to have Sunday to slow down, relax, and stay home. I didn’t write or work on any projects. I read, piddled around the house, and worked in the garden. Sitting here this morning and looking back at the last week, I’m truly grateful for the Sabbath rest, even if it was on Sunday…

One of my regular routes through the city takes me by the Mount Olivet Cemetery. I always look at it as I drive by: my Grandfather’s grave is slightly visible from the road. For the last couple of months something else has caught my eye (and my heart!). The area of the cemetery next to my Grandfather’s is called” Babyland” and, as the name implies, it’s dedicated to the little ones. Rows and rows of tiny headstones line that section of the cemetery. The rows are much closer together and the dates on the headstones range from one day to a couple of years. Balloons, flowers, and crosses adorn many of the graves giving an almost festive, yet somber, atmosphere.

Death is part of life. I know that. Yet, it makes me sad that “Babyland” has grown large enough to expand to an adjoining section of the cemetery. It was there I saw the young couple for the first time that touched me so deeply. I’ve never met them; I don’t know their story except for the little part they’ve unknowingly allowed me to see. And I see it often…

I have experienced the loss of parents, a wife, as well as close friends. I’ve known grief, but I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a child, especially a young one. Parents aren’t meant to bury their children. I’ve watched friends go through that experience and I’m amazed by the amount of courage, strength, and grace it takes just to make it through the day. I also know there’s no time limit on grief.

That’s why I’m so touched by the young couple I frequently see at Mount Olivet. I have no idea how fresh their loss is, but now that Spring’s here, they’re out there almost every day. There’s always balloons and fresh flowers at the grave and they sit on a blanket sharing dinner, holding hands, until the sun begins to set, and Mount Olivet starts to close the gates. I’m sad for their loss and touched by their spirit…

I have no answers to offer, no words of wisdom. I don’t know why some parents experience the loss of their children and others don’t. What I do know is that by unknowingly sharing their loss and grief, they have shown me what it is to love. I’m more aware of just how precious the people in my life are. I want to hug my kids and grandkids. I become a little more present in the lives of the people who have so wonderfully touched mine. Ultimately, through the simple grief and love of two people I don’t even know, I’m reminded to cherish my family and friends more, love a little better and live each day to the fullest.

I’m always amazed at how God uses our grief, our loss, and our pain for good. Several years ago, my friend Rusty lost his mother. I never had the opportunity to know her. By the time Rusty and I met, she was already in a memory care center, suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. I attended her viewing to pay my respects to the family since I couldn’t be at the funeral the following day. Rusty showed me a picture of his dad, Dale, feeding her dinner one night. I found out that Dale spent everyday for several years visiting the center, helping feed the love of his life, and spending time with her even when Alzheimer’s robbed her of their life together. Rusty explained how everyone at the center knew and loved Dale. I can only imagine that his cheerfulness and his love for his bride was contagious.

Several weeks later, Rusty and I were having lunch and his Mom came up in conversation. He asked the question we all ask while grieving: why. Why did his mom have to suffer such a horrific illness for so long? I certainly didn’t have an answer. Until I remembered the picture he had shown me. Maybe her caregivers saw the love she shared with Dale and maybe they went home and were a little more loving? Maybe, just maybe, they had a little more patience, tolerance and gratitude for the people in their lives? Maybe his parents were simply busy sharing the Good News: preaching by example of just how much God loves us.

I’m so grateful for seeing a couple in a cemetery and a picture in a wallet. Sometimes the greatest joys come from the most unlikely places. I’m grateful for the ability to see that sometimes even grief can be Good News…

Christianity, Recovery, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

I love you, too…

My grandson’s baseball game was cancelled this morning since the chance of severe thunderstorms is above the 80% mark this morning and I’m a little disappointed. It hasn’t started to rain yet, but I feel the leading edge of the front beginning to blow its way in. So, I’m grateful that the kid’s safety comes first. We don’t take chances in the Springtime in North Texas. I don’t remember ever thinking storms were a bad thing when I was young. They were an excuse to get soaking wet. But back then, I didn’t have to pay for new roofs, homeowner’s insurance, or broken car windows, either. I take severe weather alerts more seriously now.

I called my son to let him know I wouldn’t be picking him up for the game, and as we were hanging up, he said something that brought a flood of emotion and gratitude. He said, “I love you, Dad”. You may be thinking, “What’s the big deal? I say it to my parents, spouse, kids, or (fill in the blank…) all of the time”. Sitting here on the porch this morning I realized just how big a deal it truly is.

The words “I love you” get used a lot these days. I use them all the time, especially to my wife, kids, and grandchildren. I have a circle of friends I truly love and care about. Our conversations usually end with “I love you my friend”. Much of the time though, I catch myself saying them more out of habit than conveying their true meaning; kind of like the old beer commercial, “I love you, ma-a-a-n”.

I think that’s why I got so emotional behind my son’s words this morning. I always end our conversations with “I love you”. The usual response is “I love you, too”. Not today. Today he said, “I love you Dad”. It may sound corny, but it meant the world to me. I said, “I love you too, Son”, but it carried even more meaning than usual. It was a reminder of how blessed I am to have my grown children in my life.

He and I haven’t always gotten along well. Active addiction (on both our parts), left unique emotional scars on our relationship. I guess that’s why it hit me so hard? There were so many things I did (and didn’t do) when they were growing up. It was a struggle as a single father and made even more strained by active addiction. Despite all that, we still love each other. It was another reminder of the grace I experience in my life over and over and over, without end…

A simple , unexpected and unsolicited ,“I love you Dad” reminds me of all the love and grace I receive each every day – from my wife, our kids and grandkids, my friends – and most of all, from a God who loves me passionately and genuinely likes me: the God who pursued me relentlessly even though I didn’t deserve it. All of this because he loves me – warts, faults and all! He loves me because that’s what Father’s do – love unconditionally and without limit. Somehow that helps me love others better? I’m awestruck!

Today, I’ll keep this short. The low pressure system has arrived and it’s raining now. I’m going to relax with the rain day and bask in the love that surrounds me. I pray this post finds you well and if nobody has told you today – I love you, my friend…

Christianity, Recovery, Relationships, Spirituality

Grades…

The Spring rollercoaster continues here in North Texas. The weatherman says to enjoy the almost summer-like temperatures and then brace for another visitor from the north. I’m following his suggestion. I’m spending my time this morning with my beautiful wife and all is well in the world…

Our twenty-something daughter lives with us while she’s finishing college. I’m glad we can assist her in her academic and career pursuits. Still, having grown children move back home has its own unique challenges. I always laugh when I hear parents talking about “when kid turns eighteen and moves out”. If they only knew…

Earlier, I had been making coffee and overheard the conversation in the living room between my daughter and my wife. I don’t want to share their business or bore you with the details but there was one thing that caught my attention. My daughter, the aspiring teacher, said, “in an ideal world there wouldn’t be any grades”. In an ideal world there wouldn’t be a lot of things. In an ideal world…

My views of an “ideal” world have changed since I was my daughter’s age. Some of the issues are still the same – justice, peace, economic and social inequality – but my perspective has changed. I’d like to think that comes with experience, wisdom, and age – but it has far more to do with the relationship I have with God than anything else I’ve done over the years.

In many ways, life has come full circle for me today. I recall being idealistic and, like our daughter, angry at the injustices and inequities suffered by so many in the world. Back then, I wanted to change the world. Today, I want to change my actions and let God change my heart. Consequently, I see the world differently.

It took me a long time to figure out the difference. Trying to control the means to manipulate my surroundings, however noble the ends, only brought frustration, cynicism, and apathy. Trying to cooperate with the will of the God of my understanding changes the means and brings me hope. The biggest difference between the youthful and the older idealist is who’s in control of the ends, the outcomes.

All that idealism talk got me thinking about grades – or the lack thereof. I understand they can often be used to define a person’s worth or to divide people into less-than or better-than. If that’s the case, then my daughter’s probably right. However, grades are often the things that spur us on to greater endeavors. Grace and grades are not mutually exclusive terms.

I’m not sure if Mr. Monninger my “favorite” teacher, but he was certainly the most “memorable”. He taught creative writing in my senior year of high school. One of our assignments was a short story. I waited until the last minute to complete it, knowing I’d turned in “A” work. When the papers were graded and passed out I was shocked to find an “F” written across the top. I stewed over the grade all through class. I knew I had turned in good work. I may not have been an “A” student in all my academics, but English (we called it Language Arts back then…) was my strength and I knew I’d turned in superior work. WHAT WAS THIS CRAP!???

I approached Mr. Monninger after the bell rang and the other students filed out. I demanded to know what the “F” was about. To my surprise, he agreed with me: I had written an “A” paper. The problem was that it wasn’t an “A” paper for me. He told me I was better than that and he wouldn’t accept less than my best. Then he said if I wanted to write what I was capable of, rather than just enough to get by, he would reconsider my grade.

I rewrote that story. I gave it my best and he changed my grade. He refused accept mediocre work – but more importantly, he refused to let me accept mediocrity. He wanted me to reach inside and pull the best out of me. I doubt he remembers that moment, or even me for that matter. I do! He taught me a very valuable lesson that day. I still remember…

I know I’m infinitely loved by the God of my understanding. I know that everything in my life is grace. I know that His acceptance of me isn’t based on “grades”. I also know He wants me to “have life and have it abundantly”. Sometimes that requires “grades”, experiences that make me reach inside and pull out the better self. He stretches me well beyond my comfort zone; not to earn His approval but to learn how to love others (and sometimes myself) better.

I don’t know if there are grades in an ideal world or not, but I’m grateful for a Teacher that believes in me – brings out the best in me. People tend to live up to what’s expected of them. Thank you, Mr. Monninger…

 

Christianity, Recovery, Relationships, Spirituality

Happy Birthday to…

My time on the porch was brief this morning. Texas weather has a lot to do with that. Yesterday, it was 80 degrees outside. This morning, we have the furnace going. Go figure. It didn’t freeze though, so the tomatoes are safe…

One of the blessings of the morning is seeing the first blooms of the heirloom roses in our backyard. The roses in front are “knock-out” roses. They bloom regularly, even during the warm spells that Texas winters are famous for. Unlike heirloom (or real) roses, they lack any rose scent. That’s why the one in the back is so important to me. It smells like a rose should smell. Damn cross-breeding and gene splicing! The blooms remind me that Spring is here despite the cold north wind: a reality I really enjoy…

Yesterday was Margaret’s birthday. I won’t share her age, that’s her business to share. Today is my oldest son’s birthday. He’s still under forty so I don’t feel so bad about telling you he’s thirty-seven today. I’m extremely proud of my children, and especially proud of him. The night he was born is crystal clear in my mind, and the subsequent years have left moments indelibly stamped in my memory

All of this got me thinking about “choice”: the one’s we make actively and the ones we make by default. I spent many years trying to meet up to other people’s expectations, whether it be from my family, my friends, or my peers. I lived life by default: others made my decisions for me. When my disease of addiction progressed, it made all my decisions. It controlled every waking moment; where I went, what I did, and how I did it. When I came into recovery I had no difficulty understanding that I had no control, no ability to manage my own life, and totally powerless over my ability to make my own choices in life. Talk about as state of hopelessness…

I don’t normally share publicly about recovery. It’s not a matter of “look at me now”. I prefer the anonymity of the twelve-step program I attend regularly although I have no more shame attached to my past. I made a conscious choice to be open about my failures in the hope they could benefit someone else. That’s what the God of my understanding called me to do. Sometimes the best lessons in life are what not to do…

Recovery gave me hope. It gave me the ability to make choices and decisions of my own free will: an ability God gave all of us (and we often surrender just as freely). It also gave me a path to an interactive relationship with God. Although I grew up in a religious (and loving) household, I never knew such a relationship was possible. I had some pretty conventional misinformation about God as a judgmental, detached deity that set impossible expectations for piety and religious service: one that comes from human constructs rather than divine reality.

Recovery was much like what I imagined the first century church to be like, because I found people who, for the most part, love God, love and help each other, and have a lot of fun together. I found community. The deeper I stepped into community and my relationship with my “Higher Power”, the more I began to understand the “Good News” I’d heard about growing up. It wasn’t so “good” back then. Today it’s a reality in my life. That reality dictates my decision-making process.

What I know today is that people make choices and act on their beliefs. “Show me how you act, and I’ll tell you what you believe”. That won’t come as a surprise to some folks, but it was earth-shattering for me. My definition of common sense has changed. Piety no longer has a place in my life but respect for myself and others does. Trying to meet unreasonable man-made expectations has been replaced by simply doing the “next right thing”: taking care of whatever’s in front of me to the best of my ability. The Zen proverb, “chop wood, carry water” makes perfect sense today.

In many ways, I’ve been blessed to have a religious background. It taught me a great moral and ethical code. It taught me to be kind and concerned for “the least of these”. Unfortunately, it also taught me to fear the very God they said, “was love”. Talk about some mixed messages. It’s somewhat of an irony that I discovered my relationship with God among the very people I was told to stay away from, the “least of these”. Go figure…

I’m not perfect by any means! But I’m comfortable with that today. My choices are far less fear-driven – how do I fix it? – and much more trust-based – how do we fix it? Once I believed that God had my back, my choices and behavior began to change. That was “Good News” to me. Simplicity has replaced complexity and over-thinking the difficulties that inevitably show up in life. Isolation has been replaced by a sense of belonging, by a sense of community.

We celebrated Margaret’s birthday over dinner last night. The celebration’s really been going on all week. Our house has been full of friends and family and by God’s grace, we’re fully present to enjoy it all. Some of you know exactly what I mean when I say that, “just for today”, I’m going to enjoy life, my family, and friends. My actions aren’t dictated by falsehoods and pretentious piety, but by believing God loves us all…