Birthdays, Children, Family, Generations, Grandchildren, Gratitude, Relationships

A Better Christmas

I was going to write my annual end of the year wrap-up from Opal’s Farm today, but I got a bit sidetracked – which happens a lot, especially this time of year. The holiday season is a mixed bag of emotions for me. I experience the joy of my grandkids and a deep sadness that their father, Jeremy, isn’t here to celebrate with them. It doesn’t help that Jeremy was born on Christmas Day either. Moreover, my father, who was our “Mr. Christmas”, has been gone for almost twenty years and Mom passed in 2017. My sister and her husband live in Georgia and I really miss her. There’s no one from my family to celebrate with except the grandkids and my daughter-in-law. Grief tends to hit hard this time of year. Holidays aren’t my favorite time of year, but my grandkids remind me there’s still joy in the season. Sometimes you have to find new traditions to move forward.

My grandkids and Uncle Adrian, my oldest son, have a Christmas tradition that started after Jeremy died. Every Christmas morning, at nine AM, we meet at Ol’South Pancake House – a Fort Worth Institution and one of the only places open – to have breakfast together. It’s hard to coordinate family time with all the in-laws (and out-laws) that we decided to start our own tradition and everyone can plan around us instead.

We headed to the cemetery to leave flowers and birthday wishes after breakfast. My oldest granddaughter, Baillie, was with us this year. Her relationship with her dad was strained due to his addiction. She neglected to go with us in the past but joined her brother and sister this year. The atmosphere at both breakfast and the cemetery was much lighter than in the past, leaving room for real Christmas joy.

Aside – We often go to the mural of Jeremy painted by his business partner, Jay Wilkinson. The mural is located on the outside wall of Hop Fusion Brewery in Near Southside (the brewery is also home to several of Jeremy’s murals). Sometimes I, or we, need to sit have a conversation with the twenty-foot-high Jeremy…

Life is like that – joy in the midst of grief, light in the midst of darkness. I thank God daily for both ends of the spectrum. It may not make sense to everyone, but this is the best Christmas gift I could receive.

Acceptance, Aging, Belief, Christianity, Community, Connection, Consequences, Down On the Farm, Emotional Health, Environment, Faith, Farmers Markets, Food Deserts, Food Equality, Food Insecurity, Food Justice, Gardening, Generations, God's Economics, Grace, Gratitude, Health, Neighbors, Non-Profits, Persistence, Practice, Service to Others, Simplicity, Social Justice, Spirituality, Thoughts From the Porch, Unity Unlimited, Inc., Urban Farming, Volunteers

Bumps in the Road

It’s been an interesting Spring at Opal’s Farm. I’ve been busier than a one-armed paper hanger as my uncle used to say.

For one thing, I received a letter from the Social Security Administration this week. It said I’ve reached the age where I am now considered retired. I have to laugh when I realize Ms. Opal “retired” the year after I graduated high school. If that’s what retirement looks like, then I’m grateful for it. It means I can focus on loving and serving others full-time just like her. At ninety-eight, she reminds me that she just keeps running forward so the good Lord can’t catch her to take her home. Besides, there’s so much more to do. Especially now…

The other thing that happened is a little less humorous. My left knee blew out on me last Wednesday as I was putting tools away for the day. That wouldn’t have been unusual as it tends to happen now that I’m old enough to suffer the consequences of an overactive youth. This time was different. It didn’t stop hurting the next day and the pain was in a different part of my knee and increasing rather than decreasing. I decided Friday afternoon I had better go to the ER and have it checked out.

Fortunately, nothing is broken, but since X-rays don’t show cartilage or ligament damage, I’ll be seeing the orthopedic surgeon this week. Moreover, the ER doc said I had a lot of arthritis, and the next step was a knee replacement. I feared that might be the case. I guess I’ll find out this week. It’s a pretty big bump in the road.

He also told me to take steroids and pain medicine, wear the immobilizer, use the crutches, and stay off my knee for a few days. I can take medication. I can use the immobilizer most of the time. I can even use the crutches sometimes. However, for a farmer four days of bed rest isn’t possible this time of year. My doctor and I have an agreement – I don’t tell him how to practice medicine and he doesn’t tell me how to farm.

I went market and “Taste the C.U.R.E” class yesterday. If people ask me what happened I simply tell the truth – I got older!

I guess there’s more news to come and a lot of decisions to be made. I’ll just hobble along and work on the farm until then. I’m going to be much slower so I’m extra grateful for the volunteers we have right now. Spring is the busiest time of year for farmers and Opal’s is no exception. The farm still needs daily care. I’ll be there as long as the good Lord lets me, but we need extra volunteer help right now. Please think of us if you have a little spare time and want to get you’re hands dirty. After all, dirt don’t hurt.

Bad Weather, Children, Christmas, Events, Generations, Gratitude, Parents, Relationships, Stories, Storms, Storytelling

Christmas Stockings

I don’t know how long it took to get to Swedish Medical Center. I’d never been there before but I knew that on a normal day it was only six or seven minutes from the house. This Christmas Eve night it took hours. It didn’t, but it sure felt like it.

Our arrival turned into a blur though – out of the car with the paramedics grabbing Jennine to steady her across the snow and ice then through the ambulance bay doors and me holding a bundled-up Adrian in one arm and Jennine’s go bag and a diaper bag in the other. Suddenly we were in Labor and Delivery.

I vaguely remember the flurry of activity around Jennine as they got her settled into the labor room. A nurse said something about the labor pains coming much quicker and telling us that it shouldn’t be long now. Someone popped their head in to tell me that my Mom and Dad had a friend bringing them to the hospital in his four-wheel drive. Adrian could stay with them for the night. One problem solved anyway…

The doctor entered the room. Keep in mind that this doctor was a total stranger in a hospital we’d never been to before. He grabbed one of the labor room nurses and asked for an update, never looking or speaking to Jennine or me. That was already two strikes against him. When he groaned and walked back out of the labor room it was strike three. Jennine grabbed my hand and cried out, “Who is this guy? I don’t like him. I want my doctor. It’s all your fault we’re here”.

“It’s going to be okay. I’ll find out what’s going on”. I was a little perturbed to be assigned all the blame for the whole situation. I was pretty damned sure she was present when this whole thing started. After all, it takes two to make this process work. I didn’t ask for the blizzard either.

“Stay here, she barked about the time the latest contraction came on full force. I was thinking no problem as my hand she was gripping went numb. I wasn’t going anywhere.

The nurses finally got Jennine settled in. The monitors were all hooked up and the initial examination was over. The contractions were only three or four minutes apart and our nurse informed us she was almost fully dilated. She was a Godsend. She seemed to be the only one taking the time to pay attention to us. I wish I could remember her name. Back then I would’ve sent her a bottle of twelve-year old scotch and a thank you note.

We had been through La Maze birth classes before Adrian was born and had a refresher course back in October. We had wanted a natural childbirth – at least that’s what I reminded Jennine every time she hollered for drugs as her labor became more intense. I tried to be a calming voice of reason and help her with breathing through the contractions. Apparently, a calming voice of reason wasn’t needed nor appreciated in this situation. They finally came in to do an epidural block.

Our nurse came in and, sensing the tension, she let me know I needed to go downstairs with Adrian; that my parents were almost here. How she knew that I’m not sure as cell phones were still science fiction in 1982. She also mentioned that the doctor had been here since the night before because of the storm. “She’s in good hands.” I thanked her, grabbed Adrian, his diaper bag, and headed downstairs.

I vaguely remember giving Adrian to my mother, hugging my parents – who I hadn’t seen since they got to town – and thanking our friend Mark for getting them here and back home with my son. All I could think of was getting back upstairs. I stayed in the lobby long enough to watch them all drive off into the falling snow and ran for the elevator.

I returned to the labor room and the nurse informed me I better “gown -up”. They were taking her to the delivery room right away. We had been there maybe an hour or so. I said a silent prayer of gratitude for the guy who volunteered his Jeep, the paramedics, nurses, and even the doctor Jennine didn’t like. The time it would have taken an ambulance to arrive would have meant a home delivery. I’d like to think I could’ve done it, but I was so glad I didn’t have to find out. It was going to be okay.

Sometimes I regret not being able to remember all the details of our time in the delivery room. It went so quickly, for which I was appreciative. Jennine had the hard work, but it’s hard to see your wife in pain. The only thing I remember is the doctor saying,” It’s a healthy baby boy”. The nurse took him and cleaned him up. I’m sure they went through all the post-birth baby and mother checklist before he announced, “Here’s your son”.

The one thing I remember quite clearly is that Jennine didn’t want to take him, and the nurse handed Jeremy to me. Her reluctance to take Jeremy was, in hindsight, a red flag but more about that later. I cradled Jeremy in my arms and burst into joyful tears as I saw another beautiful son.

The nurse that had been with us all through labor and delivery took Jeremy back. She told me they were moving Jennine to the maternity ward and taking Jeremy to the nursery. Then she said, “You should try to grab some sleep until we bring Jeremy to your wife’s room. Go into the Nurse’s Lounge and there’s a couch in there to lay down on. I’ll come get you when it’s time.”

I said thank you and felt a wave of exhaustion wash over me. The adrenaline coursing through my body had suddenly shut off and left me drained. It was all over and I had a new son.

I’m not sure how long I got to sleep but when our nurse returned to wake me up, I was suddenly alert and full of energy. “We’re going to bring Jeremy to her room so they’ll both there”, she said as we waited for the elevator. My excitement level made for the longest wait time ever recorded for elevator doors to open – maybe not?.

The nurse opened the door, motioned me in, and closed the door behind me. I entered the room and went to hug Jennine. I was sitting on the bed holding her hand when a maternity floor nurse entered the room with Jeremy. He was stuffed into a little Christmas stocking with a Santa cap on his head.  The nurse picked him up and handed him to Jennine. I still have the picture from all those years ago of Jennine as she held our son for the first time. Her smile radiated love and beauty filling the room as she looked into Jeremy’s eyes. A small joyful tear rolled down her cheek.

I can’t recall the rest of Christmas Day in 1982. I know my parents came back to the hospital to visit and take Adrian and I home. We planned to celebrate Christmas when Jennine and Jeremy came home the next day. My sister had spent Christmas Eve at the DFW airport before they finally cancelled all flights to Denver so she wouldn’t be with us that year and spend Christmas alone. Everything else is stored in memory sections of my brain that I no longer have access to.

I can say that it took a week-and-a-half to dig my car out and the alleyway so I could even get to the street where snowplows had left a huge pile of snow. I used my cross-country skis to get to the nearby Seven Eleven only to find bare shelves. The local media had a hay day with the “Hundred Year Blizzard of ‘82”. Everyone had opinions about the city’s response to the storm and the time it took to clear the streets; most of them beyond negative. Blame was heaped on Mayor Bill Nichols, who had been the only Mayor I’d known since moving to Denver in 1969, costing him his re-election later that year.

None of it really made a difference to me. We had another son. Every parent sees their new child as the most beautiful baby ever. The truth is, if it’s a vaginal birth all babies look like little aliens, but they appear much differently to the parents that waited so patiently for them. I had just received the best Christmas present ever and life would never be the same.

Bad Weather, Christmas, Family, Generations, Relationships, Stories, Writing

Christmas Eve 1982

I watched the snow fall outside my study window as I enjoyed my coffee and wrote in my journal. No cars could be found on the street. That was highly unusual on Logan Street, even for Christmas Eve. The cars that were parked out there were virtually covered by the falling snow. An occasional gust of wind piled the snow even higher so they couldn’t be seen from our side of the street. “She probably is in labor”, I muttered to myself. I had no idea how we’d get to the hospital.

I heard Jennine in the back of the house. A few minutes later she was at my study door. Her “good morning” was sidetracked when she looked out the window. “Where did that come from? It was only supposed to be a couple of inches”.

“More like a couple feet is more accurate. I’m going to turn on the news”, I said as I got up from my chair and headed for the living room. The television came to life as I went in the kitchen. “What do you want for breakfast? I’m not fixing any burritos”, I chuckled. It was a long-standing joke that my famous green chili burritos had been responsible for Jennine’s labor with our first son, who was now well awake in his crib. “I got him “, I told her as I turned and walked downstairs.

Coffee mugs were filled, Adrian’s breakfast served, and a plate delivered to my wife in the living room. The TV caught my attention. All the news was about the Christmas Storm that started in the wee hours of the morning. A list of business and government office closures ran across the bottom of the screen. My traditional Christmas Eve half-day and lunch weren’t going to happen. I said a silent prayer that Jeremy, the newest addition to the Joel household, would wait until the snowplows could do their job. I would find out after the fact that it wouldn’t really matter, but more on that later.

We were definitely in for the day, so we sat together in the living room, sharing coffee and hot chocolate, and doing last minute gift wrapping. The news had been replaced by VHS tapes – we’d bought a VCR and that was serious high tech in 1982 – and we watched a Christmas movie together.

Photo by Colin Lloyd on Pexels.com

Jennine called her parents who lived up Lookout Mountain to the west of Denver. They wouldn’t be able to get out until the snowplows arrived either. My parents were staying with friends while they were in town and faced the same situation. My sister was flying in from Fort Worth for the birth of the new addition to the family and to celebrate Christmas together. Unfortunately, the Denver airport was closed – no flights coming in or going out. She sat at DFW Airport for several hours waiting for the weather to clear until it became obvious that reopening wouldn’t be happening anytime soon.

It was great to have time together with just us. Family Christmases are wonderful but somewhat chaotic. We weren’t going anywhere, and no one was coming over. It was quite peaceful except for the persistent sense of anxiety about getting to the hospital should the need arise. The news was now putting out an appeal for anyone with four-wheel drive vehicles to help shuttle paramedics to emergency calls. The ambulances were having trouble getting anywhere in the blizzard.

Jennine had gone throughout the daylight hours without any more contractions. I was holding out hope that Jeremy would be content to make his entrance to the world under better weather conditions. However, from the very beginning, Jeremy always had his own ideas, and they were usually counter to mine.

Jennine and I lived in Fort Worth when Adrian was born. We were part of an HMO so the only hospital we could use for delivery was in North Dallas. When Jennine went into labor with Adrian, I flew down the freeway with emergency flashers on as I darted through Dallas traffic to get her to the hospital. I needn’t have stressed. Jennine ended up being in labor for thirty-one hours before Adrian was born. I silently prayed that if Jennine did go into labor, it would be a long one even though I didn’t want to see her in pain. I didn’t know how Iwas going to get her to the hospital. The idea of delivering a baby scared the daylights out of me. I could do it if need be, I told myself but I didn’t want to find out.

It continued to snow throughout the day. The chain link fence in the backyard disappeared under the blanket of white. My car in the driveway soon followed suite. We thought we’d be spending the rest of an uneventful Christmas Eve relaxing in the comfort of our living room and being generally lazy. I fixed an early dinner, washed the dishes, and Adrian and I retired to the living room. Jennine came in later looking concerned and stated the “we may have a problem”.

“What do you mean?”

She calmly said, “I mean I think I’m in labor” as she slid back on the sofa.

I’m not sure how long I sat in stunned silence as my brain began running hundreds of scenarios; all of which pointed to delivering a baby at home. “How far a part are the contractions? Never mind, tell me when the next one starts and ends.” I went into manager mode. “It’s quite obvious we’re not going to be able to get to the hospital. Hell, I can’t even find my car under all the snow. I’m calling 911”.

I tried to be as calm as possible even though I was totally terrified. Jennine told me her contractions were starting. She finally sighed they were over, and I started to count. I gazed at my watch for what seemed an eternity and then another one started She sighed and said, “another one started. How long?”

“Seven minutes. They’re at seven minutes” as I dialed 911. Jennine still had several hours to go when she was in labor with Adrian. I prayed for similar results, but I knew deep down it was not going to be anything like that. Everyone warned me about second births – they go much quicker. The mother’s body says let’s get this over with as they learned from the first time around.

“911, what’s your emergency”. At least the phones worked!

I explained that my wife was due on the 23rd and just started labor. Our doctor was at St. Joseph Hospital. What were we to do?”

The 911 operator ran down the list of questions all 911 calls receive. Yes, she’s still breathing. No, she’s not bleeding, and her water hasn’t broken. Her contractions are seven minutes apart. After answering all her questions, she told me in a very calm and composed manner that we would have to take an ambulance to the nearest hospital with labor and delivery and a maternity ward – which wasn’t going to be St. Joe’s.

“Okay, okay, but how long until the ambulance gets here?”

“Right now, it looks like it will be four hours until we can get someone out there.” I greeted the news with stone-cold silence. “Sir, are you there? Did you hear me?”

“Yes” I mumbled with a mix of anger and fear. She wasn’t going to last four hours. “Thank you. We’ll be ready”.

“What’d they say?”, Jennine asked.

“Four hours before we can hope the see an ambulance and we have to go to the nearest hospital with a maternity ward”, I declared flatly. “Let’s keep track of the contractions for now”. Concentrating on the time between contractions might hold off some of the terror I was feeling. I thought of that classic line from Gone With the Wind, “I don’t know nothing about birthing no babies”…

I called my parents and told them what was happening: we were waiting for an ambulance, and we’d have to take Adrian to the hospital with us when it got here. Was there any way for them to get to the hospital to get him? Dad said they didn’t know how, but they’d start making some calls to all their friends. I made other calls to friends and family to let everyone know what was going on. Adrian’s diaper bag was ready, and Jennine’s “Go Bag’ was sitting by the front door. Now we wait.

We didn’t have to wait long. It had only been thirty minutes when there was a loud knock on the door. I opened it to find two paramedics in insulated coveralls and a middle-aged gentleman in a heavy coat and a cowboy hat. Apparently, he had volunteered his four-wheel drive Jeep Waggoneer to shuttle paramedics about. I invited them in a they began the same barrage of questions the 911 dispatcher had asked earlier. They finished checking Jennine’s vitals and told us we were going to Swedish Hospital. It was the closest one with a maternity ward. I grabbed Adrian, they grabbed the bags, and we headed out across the snow-covered yard to the Waggoneer on the street.

It’s important to note that it had snowed more than three feet in the previous twelve hours. Jennine was only five foot three and very pregnant (Jeremy was a big baby). This made the seventy-five-foot journey from the house to the car interesting to say the least. I held Adrian with one arm and Jennine with my free hand. The gentleman driver held her other hand as we navigated the path left by the paramedics. We all plowed through the snow until we got to the car. Jeep Waggoneers are larger than a regular Jeep model and can seat four people comfortably unless, like our entourage, there were heavy medical bags and six people. Jennine sat in front and the paramedics, Adrian, and I squeezed in the back. We finally managed to get the doors shut when the driver announced that the windshield wipers were no longer working, and he would have to have the windows down as he and Jennine reached outside to keep the windows clear enough to drive. So, off to the hospital we went with the driver and a very pregnant and in labor Jennine scraped the windows as best they could in the falling snow.

Children, Choices, Consequences, Emotional Health, Family, Generations, Grandchildren, Grief, Recovery, Relationships, Storytelling, Thoughts From the Porch, What Can I Do, Writing

The Way It Was…

It’s hard to believe September is already here. Labor Day is the unofficial beginning of Fall so the temperatures here have dropped to the nineties instead of the triple digits and we might even celebrate Labor Day with some rain. I’m hoping but it is Texas after all…

I haven’t written much lately. The heat and oppressive humidity dulled the thinking, and work has taken all the energy I may have. Getting out of sweat-soaked clothes and laying in front of the air conditioning has been norm the last month or so. It’s also the end of our fiscal year at work so evenings are filled with year-end reports and audits. It’s rare to stay awake through the ten pm weather report but that’s okay. The forecast doesn’t change in August. It’s just going to be hot and dry.

My youngest grandkids started school in the middle of last month. Things have changed since I was young. The school year started the day after Labor Day and ended the day before Memorial Day. We didn’t have Monday holidays, so we celebrated them on whatever day of the week they fell on. It seems a bit cruel to send kids back to school while the swimming pools are still open, but I digress…

I have had the privilege of picking my grandkids up from school for a couple of years now. My oldest, Baillie, is working in Alaska, but both of the others are in high school, although they attend different schools. Lucas is close enough to walk to and from Pascal High School where he’s a freshman this year. I get to pick him up on the days he stays late.

Izabella was accepted into the Visual Performing Arts program at I.M. Terrell Academy, which is only two minutes away from the farm. I.M. Terrell was the black high school for many years in Fort Worth when schools were still segregated. Moreover, it’s Ms. Opal Lee’s alma mater. She’s thrilled that Iza is there. It hasn’t hurt Iza that her grandfather works for Terrell’s most famous alumnus.

I’m reminded daily how much I love my grandkids and how much I miss their father. He would (and I’m sure that on another plane he is) be so proud of them. I hope he would be proud of me as well for being there for them. I often wasn’t there for him when he was that age. Addiction has stolen so much from us. It stole both my son’s father and my grandkid’s father. The only difference is that I get the opportunity to make living amends. Jeremy, my son, lost that opportunity on May 29th, 2020.

It’s been four years since he passed. His car still sits in my driveway: another daily reminder that I keep meaning to get to someone else, but still find hard to let go of. Grief has its own timeline. While the daily intensity of the emotion has lessened to a point, there are still days when I retreat by myself to the end of the farm to have a good cry. I don’t feel as overwhelmed as I did in the months after his death, but I still grieve. I know grief’s a process and I’m told by others that have lost children that it doesn’t ever go away. It simply changes.

I have a fellow blogger friend, Mitch, who shares his real memoirs from time to time. I enjoy reading them. I’ve often thought I should share my own stories in some way. Jeremy once told me that he and I should write a book. “Dad, no one would believe that crazy shit”, he’d tell me. Life was certainly not dull, at least outwardly. As my own addiction progressed, life became an extremely dull routine of using, finding ways and means to get more, and repeating the process over and over with greater consequences and self-hatred.

Jeremy and I found a way out and shared that path for several years until he ventured down his own path that included relapsing into active addiction. I stayed on the recovery pathway and prayed that Jeremy would join me once again. He did from time to time but couldn’t seem to stay. I miss him terribly.

I thought that maybe I too, should share some stories – crazy as they may be – in hopes that someone relates and maybe, just maybe, it can make a difference in their journey as I’m sure it will in mine. I still don’t know what to call them. It would be inappropriate to call them my “real memoir” – don’t want to step on anyone’s toes – but they are real and definitely a time of remembering. Maybe writing will ease the grief and make some sense out of the craziness.

Look for them from time to time and pray to keep me honest. One of my favorite lines from a recovery book I read frequently is that “Honesty is the antidote to our diseased thinking”.

Maybe the stories will reflect that…